WL Golf Society

Chartham Park

9 turned up for a glorious day at Chartham Park, course in great condition with greens running good on the practise green. Groups were 1^st Wayneo, Vinnie, and Stevie L 2^nd Bazza, Mr Doom and Gloom, and Brettly, 3^rd Chick, Ross, and Nicky

Group 1 – This should have been the elite group going out first but they all ended up dumping their 2^nd shots into the water. Stevie L and Vinnie were playing dog shite, Vinnie was suicidal on the 2^nd hole with Wayneo and Stevie L having to give Vinnie counselling to persuade him to stay. Vinnie had the Tom Hanks on the 2^nd hole and Vinnie and Stevie were dragging Wayneo down to their level with Stevie Oddjob only getting 10 points on the front 9 shocking Mr Bond. They ended up with 26, 27, and 28 points which equals Wayneo 27 over par, Oddjob 19 over par, and MP1 Vinnie 23 over par so not a golfer between them.   In the future they should go out in the last group or get themselves down to Godstone which is really about their level.

Group 2 – This really was the elite group that should have gone out first as this had proper golfers in it. Mr Doom and Gloom normally the first hole is his nemesis as he normally dumps his 2^nd shot into the drink but with his new driver (basically a copy of Bazza’s) he smashed it down the middle and only had a wedge in for his 2^nd. Brettly and D&G par the first whilst Bazza struggled and opened with a double bogey. Come the 6^th hole and the golf between the elite golfers was good D&G 1 over par, Brettly 1 over par and Bazza 2 over par after missing a few short birdie putts, and Doom and Gloom was pretty suicidal as he should have been about 2 under but keep missing putts and was moaning like and old drain how it’s the hardest course in the world to putt on and he hasn’t holed a putt in the 10 previous times that he had played the course. Come the 10^th and D&G game started to wobbly a bit whilst Brettly and Bazza continue to play flawless golf as they par the 10^th but D&G gets a double bogey, then on the 11^th par 5 D&G gets another 6 after missing a short putt, Brettly and Bazza also getting a 6 after both having to take drops from the right hand hazard, Mr Doom and Gloom not a happy chappie and he bashes up the green on the 11^th after missing his 5 foot par putt. Next hole stroke index 1 Bazza par, Brettly bogey, and D&G after a tremendous drive gets another 6 and goes into meltdown and I don't give a fuck mode as he juggles the ball on the green off his foot, then knee, and just goes to head it but his knee gave way and he can’t get there this is all whilst poor old Brettly is trying to get his par putt. D&G slumps off the green and mutters “that’s the first time since I was about 9 years old that I have had three sixes in a row” he really was on a downer. Next hole par 3 could make or break Mr D&G he hits a rescue to 15 foot, and he holds the 15 foot birdie putt and now he is a happy chappie and a changed man. Come the 16^th and two more par’s Mr Doom and Gloom asks to see the scorecard he is back in with a shout or at least he thinks he is not sure about his maths as by now Brettly had already accumulated 36 points. 18^th hole and all three par it final scores Brettly 40 points, Bazza 35 points and Doom and Gloom 34 points.  

Group 3 – This was two decent and normal golfers and Nicky. Not saying that Nicky is slow but he is the only person I know that has played in a 2 ball and let a 4 ball go through. Not sure what happened in this group but on the back 9 we only saw Roscoe and Nicky, Chick had vanished. We consequently found out at the end of the match that Chick had a migraine and left after 9 holes. If memory serves me correctly Chick also had a migraine at Chartham Park and left after 9 holes and by sheer coincidence he was playing with Nicky so is his migraine caused by Nicky?  I can't see how !! it’s not as if Nicky doesn’t stop talking and doesn’t ask 100 questions. Nicky on the 1^st “What is this a par 4 or what?”, “How far to the pin?”, “Where is the wind?”, “What club did you hit?”, “where’s my ball?”, on the green “how many shots have you had?”,  â€œWhat have you got this for?”, “What colour pant’s are you wearing?” and this is just on the course. Before he gets there it’s “Where are we playing?”, “Anyone got the postcode?”, “How do I get there?”, “What time is 1^st tee?” and he gets the same emails’ and WhatsApp comms as everyone else. So after Nicky boring Chick to death and getting rid of him after 9 holes with 18 points in the bag Nicky actually went on to score 36 points which is a fucking miracle as on the 15^th tee Bazza and Mr D&G saw him and Roscoe walking the wrong way after the stroke index 1 now bear in mind that Nicky has played Chartham Park at least 5 times he still hasn't a Scooby where he is going !!!   God help us all.

Winner Brettly 40, 2^nd Nicky 36, 3^rd Bazza 35

Parkwood

9 turned up at Parkwood.  Course was in good condition and the greens were very good.

Group 1 – Bazza, Stuie and The Silverback

This was supposed to have been the elite golfers but in reality it was hackers re-united. Stuie started off pushing his drives into the woods, The Silverback 3 putting the first two greens and Bazza just continuing his dog shite golf duffying all the irons again. The Silverback was well into meltdown mode after 3 holes after 3 3 putts and was suicidal. Stuie and Bazza were on Samaritan’s watch.  The Silverback then started to duff his drives and was complaining about his knee and his arsehole and spent most the round with his pants down around his knees, not a pleasant sight for Bazza and Stuie, The Essery would have loved it though. Stuie managed to get some good golf going and played the par 3’s really well birding two of them and missing a 4 foot birdie putt on the 17^th.  The Silverback was just plain dog shite coming in with a grand 16 points.

Group 2 – Johnny C, Stevie L, and Vinnie

This was potentially a car crash group with only Vinnie in form at the moment as Johnny C’s game is about as good as Joey Deacon on a bad day.  There must have been a lot of looking for balls as this group finished 3 holes behind the first group.  Looks as though Vinnie’s form has come to an end, and Johnny C actually played some decent golf coming in on 30 points.

Group 3 – Brett, Ross, and Wayneo

There seems to be the new Vinnie in this group as Rosco was having multiple melt downs and almost smashed his driver in two on the 12^th tee. So a potential MP numero uno in the making.

Winner Stuie 31, 2^nd Wayneo 30, 3^rd Johnny C 30

Hever Castle

11 of us turned up at Hever Castle so a decent turn out always helps to play a nice course.

Group 1

Jules, Rosco, and Wayneo

The Silverback, Chick, Vinnie, and Wayneo

Group 2

The Silverback, The Essery, Stuie, and Brett

Group 3

Bazza, Johnny C , Sie and Vinnie

Group 1

No match report

Group 2

No match report

Group 3

I think this was the duffers group the only one in this group that resembled a golfer was Vinnie. Johnny C was so proud telling Sie how well he was driving the ball, that must have been in his dreams because he was shocking, every drive was short massive slice or straight pull. The rest of his game was shite also. Bazza’s iron play was even worse as he duffed every one and just scuffed them along the ground as they rolled up to the green a dog shite display of golf. Sie was even worse his driver, and irons were not working, he would have been better off playing with an umbrella. Vinnie started off going OB on the first and then just got better the only one of the group that could call himself a golfer. That’s the last time Bazza, Johnny C and Sie have golf lessons from Joey Deacon.  

Winner The Silverback 35, 2^nd Vinnie 30, 3^rd Wayneo 28

Nizels

8 of us turned up for the 2^nd match of the infamous lickers league, we had one casualty last week with Bazza having a mini melt down so hopefully this week it will be a stress free round for all involved at Nizels.

Group 1

The Silverback, Chick, Vinnie, and Wayneo

Group 2

Bazza, Bobby, Sie and The Essery

Group 1

The Silverback tees off and duck hooks it miles OB a shocking start. Vinnie steps up and another pulled hook straight into the trees but a very lucky bounce back into the fairway (I say fairway it was still 300 yards from the green). Chick an average one down the hay and Wayneo melts one straight down the hay at least one golfer in the first group. So they are off it looked like a raspberry’s day out as they meandered down the fairway. Things were tense and it all kicked off as Wayneo went into meltdown mode as he hit a drive and Chick was the only one that saw where the ball went but decided not to help nor inform Wayneo where the ball actually was. Wayneo was not a happy camper and started abusing Chick I mean Chick of all people the nicest bloke you could ever meet and Wayneo is having a dig at him I think that Wayneo needs to move up in the MP stakes so is now MP Numero 2. Then on the putting green and Vinnie having a little chat whilst the Silverback is over his putt The Silverback misses the putt by 6 foot wide and 10 foot long a shocking putt, and then misses the 10 footer coming back. It’s now the silverback’s turn to go into meltdown as he starts having a go at Vinnie and wants to fight Vinnie on the green. It’s all kicking off with The Silverback puffing his big hairy chest at the Orangutan this was real primitive stuff here two primates squaring off until one backs down and starts picking the flees off the other. The Silverback manages the regain his cool as he goes on to have a good round, Nizels always sorts the men out from the boys.

Group 2

This was the big hitters plus the Essery with Sie and Bobby well known to hitting 300 yard drives. It started off all so well for The Essery as he pars the first hole but it then quickly went downhill as he blobbed the next two, and that was after conquering his nemesis hole the 3^rd as he actually managed to carry the water. Bobby and Sie were hitting monster drives but having lots off bad luck as they were running out of room and overshooting fairways. Bazza hits a SSSS shit shot on the par 3 5^th (we can’t mention the S word). On the 7^th Bazza the only one who manages to find the fairway and then the green whilst the other 3 all drives into the Aqua. Then onto the 8^th and Bazza hits another SSS Shot. Front 9 all very close The Essery 12 points, Bobby 13 points Bazza 14 points and Sie 15 points. Bazza then hits a superb drive and second to green side bunker, bunker shot onto green and then 4 putts. The Essery pars the 10^th a very tough hole so is he back on track after a shocking front 9. Come the Par 3 11^th and The Essery stands over his par putt and his trolley does a runner (does it know something we don’t) as it careers down the 11^th fairway and disappears into the ditch, this cheered Bazza right up after coming off of a 4 putt what a ledge The Essery is. Then onto the 12^th and Bazza melts another of his drives miles up the fairway and then the other 3 all decide to hit dog shite drives all into the hazard on the right. They all take drops and The Essery manages to scramble a bogey from a drop. Then onto the hard 13^th and The Essery hits his best drive of the day and only has 130 yards to the pin all over water. Will the water intimidate The Essery surely not a player off his class, but no he precedes to duff it straight into the Aqua again, and ends up with another blob. Bazza the only one who plays that hole well as his par putt lips out. So onto the par 5 15^th and The Essery standing on the tee and comments how hard it is to carry the trees in front Bazza says no they are well easy it’s only about  180 yards carry. The Essery tees up his 3 wood takes a mighty swipe and oh no another duff as it goes 40 yards down into the rough on the left. Bazza melts another drive straight over the trees and ends up another 60 yards on, and Bobby and Sie continue to hit massive drives as they sale over the trees leaving them miles behind as their balls are still climbing as they rise over the trees. By now The Essery is not a happy chappie as he complains about how hard the course is and how hard it is for him, and how well he had been playing up until this point. But in his defence as bad as he played he was very well behaved and never kicked off and just accepted his shite golf meaning that he must move down in the MP list as his toys remained firmly in the pram. Bobby by now had regained his golf as he strung 5 pars together on the spin but up until that point had been a bit erratic. Sie and Bazza playing their usual lot’s of good golf with some dog shite fliddy shots thrown in. So come the 18^th and Sie does his spassy impression as he is looking forward to going home as it had been a bit of a struggle. Bazza drives off and melts another straight down the hay, Sie hits a monster miles passed Bazza’s Bobby again hits a big one but looks in danger as it goes to the right. The Essery now gets his driver out for the first time in the round and carves it straight into the trees about 150 yards up on the right and then says that's why I don’t bother hitting a driver. Bazza, Bobby, and Sie all hit the green in 2. The Essery 3 off of the tee but loses that also. Bazza 3 putts the last just as he did the 17^th, Sie an easy par, The Essery another blob, and Bobby nails his birdie putt to do Bazza by 1 shot. A good laugh had by all but not sure that The Essery will have Nizels in his top 10 golf courses (We all know where Coulsdon is !!)

Winner The Silverback 35, 2^nd Chick 32, 3^rd Vinnie 30

Surrey Downs

The infamous Lickers started off the season with a bang we played at Surrey Downs where The Silverback sorted out a great deal to start with but ended up going a bit Pete Tong as it was supposed to have been £27.50 per man for 8 golfers whereas the other 4 play for free. With Simon pulling out in the morning it meant splitting the money between 11 players so a lot of confusion and nobody really sure of what and who paid what and the dirty bastards from Surrey Downs actually wanted £30 per man. Anyway you can’t fault The Silverback from trying to get a good deal. So groups were already pre decided. 1st up were the creme de la creme The Silverback, Bazza, Johnny C and Vinnie. Someone decided that we should have a match Vinnie and The Silverback against Bazza and Johnny C. Bazza not too happy after already being stuffed by Vinnie 4 times already this year especially in Tenerife but took up the challenge anyway.

Match 1

All 4 drive up good drives Bazza and Johnny C both hit the green in 2 whereas Vinnie and The Silverback both miss the green . Bazza and Johnny C true to Tenerife form both 3 putt for a bogey and Vinnie and The Silverback both get up and down for a par, 1 played 1 down. Next hole Bazza hits his 8 iron to 15 foot, The Silverback hits his rescue to 5 foot, and Johnny C and Vinnie both miss the green. Bazza 2 putt par, The Silverback 2 putt par, Vinnie gets up and down again Par, 2 holes played and 2 down. Next hole Bazza and Johnny C bogey and Vinnie and The Silverback par 3 holes played 3 down. 4^th Hole Bazza melts a drive passed the trees Vinnie and The Silverback in the left rough Johnny C lost ball. Vinnie just about advances his ball passed Bazza’s drive, Bazza hits the green and 2 putt par, Vinnie gets up and down from 40 yards again and par hole halved. Bazza continues to play impressive golf but well annoyed as after 5 holes is 3 over gross and 3 holes down. Come the 6^th and Bazza in full meltdown as he has a 15 foot birdie putt and Vinnie and The Silverback both at the back of the green with hard chips Bazza and Johnny C looks to be winning a hole  only for the Silverback and Vinnie to chip stone dead Bazza missing a 1 foot putt to 3 putt, Johnny C also 3 putts and Bazza now in full meltdown mode goes all Basil Fawlty and trashes the green. Bazza not sure if he is annoyed with his own 3 putting or the fact that Vinnie is getting up and down on every hole.  So next hole and Bazza as usual hits the green in 2 birdie putt just misses and has a 4 footer coming back but in full MP modes and toys fully out the pram threatens to walk off if he is not given a 4 foot par putt as he won’t be a happy chappie to go 5 down in the match after 6 holes. Vinnie feels sorry for Bazza and gives him the Putt the Silverback not happy as no gimmies, Bazza doesn't give a toss and takes the putt and storms off to the next tee livid. Normally on the 7^th Bazza takes a rescue but in such a temper melts a drive about 300 yards up the fairway. Bazza lost ball but Johnny C manages to actually two putt for a par and halve the hole, this calms Bazza down and they have actually halved a hole. Next hole and Bazza hits the edge of the green in 2 after being in the bunker, Vinnie also in the bunker no shot so lays up to about 30 foot. Vinnie then chips to about 6 inches and taps in his par, another fucking up and down. Bazza now with a 15 foot putt for a birdie to halve the hole 2 putts and par’s another hole lost. By now Bazza doesn’t give a shit and is waiting for the men in white coats to take him away.  9 holes played and 5 down on the turn with Bazza only 6 over par gross. Johnny C doing his best to convince Bazza that they can still win the match. 10^th hole and Bazza melts a drive down the middle, Johnny C ball lost. Bazza hits it to 15 foot. Vinnie goes long, The Silverback goes in the bunker. The Silverback thins his bunker shot over the green, Vinnie chips on the green. The silverback then duffs a chip and blobs the hole. Bazza birdie putt lips out, Vinnie misses his par putt and Bazza gets his par with Vinnie having no shot on Bazza, Bazza and Johnny C actually win a hole the greatest comeback of all time is on. Next hole Bazza takes the Tiger line and has to take a drop, Johnny C melts one down the middle. Johnny C 80 yards away in one Bazza has to rely on his partner no way will his partner let him down!!! but no wait !! Johnny C takes 5 shots from 80 yards to get down hole lost back to 5 down. Come the par 5 stoke index 1, The Silverback OB, Johnny C goes long over the back Vinnie and Bazza both on in 3 with Birdie putts, Bazza his usual putting supreme 3 putts, Vinnie 2 putts game over a complete drubbing 7&6  Bazza and Johnny C putt to the sword again by Vinnie.  Bazza having to be the gentleman and congratulated Vinnie and The Silverback, but has secretly deleted Vinnies phone number from his contacts. Poor old Johnny C went home to have a serious talk with himself but the reality is it wouldn’t have made any difference the way that Vinnie played.

Match 3

Window Lickers – Match Report

Sunday 7^th April 2019 – Surrey Downs.

4 ball Steve 11, Danny 16, Andy 17 and Ross (22)

Our first 4 ball of the golfing season played to the new golf rules the biggest change is NO gimmies as even a 1 foot or a 6 inch putt can cause the heart rate to increase with sweaty palms.

But no one mentioned the frustration when missing putts and in temper smashing up the greens, I think anger management course might be in order. I believe Sergio was disqualified recently as it does give a disadvantage to the players behind when trying to putt through the windmill.

Although one does have to admit the GREENS where shocking and each putt was a lottery.

Anyway, our game played in good spirits and looking at our points @9 holes:

Steve 20, Danny 20, Andy 19 and Ross 19 shows the level of our consistency. Ross being more surprised than anyone saving “I told them not to play me off 24”. After watching everyone else drive off on the 1^st and picking up his only BOGEY he went from strength to strength playing some superb golf.

The back nine was just as consistent although Andy did loose a ball on the 11^th but I have to say all 4 players played very good golf. Standing on the 17th tee, Ross drives the green setting up an Eagle putt of about 15 feet, if he had made it, it would have been his first Eagle ever!

We finished the round with:

Steve 20, 7 over par, Danny playing to his handicap and Andy 36, 15 over and Ross 20, 20 over par beating Steve on count back.

Winner Vinnie 42, 2^nd Ross 40, 3^rd Stevie L 40

Surrey Downs 28th October 2018

The final match of the season and the groups were sorted out by order of merit

Group 1 – Super Steady Stuie, Boom Boom Bazza, Margaret Newcombe, Smash-it Sie.

Group 2- Vinnie, The Essery, Wayneo, Stevie L

Group 3 – Johnny C, Bobby, Nicky, and Son of Sie (Lawrence)

Group 1 – Heading out the creme de la creme the elite golfers with Margaret teeing off first. He smashed a drive straight down the hay and said that now he is fully fit he has gained 40 yards off the tee. Stuie down the hay as well, Bazza right bunker, Sie smashes it left and a lost ball. Margaret par, Stuie par, Bazza bogey, and Sie blob. 2^nd hole and Margaret pulls a 7 iron into the left green side bunker, Sie, does the same, Stuie hits a wedge to centre of the green, and Bazza hits an 8 iron to 10 foot of the pin. Margaret got up to the bunker and moaned like mad I can’t believe that's my ball it was right up the face of the bunker downhill lie an impossible golf shot for mere mortals. So Margaret got over the ball played a fantastic shot pitched in the rough rolled down to 3 foot past the hole and begged us for a gimmie as it was the best bunker shot ever played and deserved a par Seve would have been proud of the shot. Sie a much easier bunker shot but didn't commit and left it in the bunker and takes 2 to get out. Stuie races his putt 4 foot passed the hole and Margaret desperate for the par so asked Stuie of good good, Stuie was happy but Bazza was having none of it and made them both putt out. Stuie nails his 4 footer for par, Margaret got his 3 footer for Par, Bazza had already held his putt for a birdie, and Sie misses his putt and another blob.

The game progresses and Stuie being Stuie not hitting great shots but kept holing long putts for par which agitated Margaret no end especially on the par 5 5^th when Stuie hit 3 bad shots got on the green for 4 and held another 15 footer for par, Margaret went into extra moan mode especially as at this point Bazza was outdriving Margaret by at least 30 yards a hole, but Bazza was peppering the pins and starting to have more birdie looks. Margaret not happy with Stuies par.  How can Margaret be so unkind to Stuie 40 years of friendship and Margaret just couldn’t find it in his heart to congratulate Stuie on good shoots or good putts. So on the 6^th tee Margaret does his best Dave Jelly impression his legs collapse he spins out of the shot and duck hooks it left into the shite. Meanwhile Bazza, Sie, and Stuie smash it miles down the middle, with Bazza taking the Tiger line and getting even closer to the green with only a wedge in. Margaret miles back in the rough it takes us 10 mins to find his ball he hits a rescue out of the rough to 80 yards short of the green, plays his 3^rd and rolls off the back and now another difficult chip with Margaret now in melt down mode and bemoaning his luck saying that it’s now the 3^rd hardest shot of his life he has had to play because of the pin positions and is ready to cave the groundsman in. 7^th hole with marker post to guide and Sie long way right, Stuie and Bazza go left of marker, Margaret goes straight at the marker we get up to our balls Sie very unlucky lie edge of bunker Stuie way back Bazza left of bunker perfect and Margaret in the bunker moaning like f**k “who puts a marker post in line with the bunker @###!!!;;”. Stuie and Margaret hit the green long way from the hole, Sie well unlucky great shot but falls into greenside bunker, Bazza knocks it to 8 foot. Bazza lips out for birdie pars all round expect for unlucky Sie. 8^th hole dog leg left Margaret and Stuie decide they can’t carry the bunker so they both go miles right. Bazza didn’t understand why not especially wind behind so smashes it over the bunker Tiger line clears it by 20 yards. Sie takes an iron over the bunker but pulls it left. Stuie and Margaret with 150 yards in, Bazza with 65 yards fortune favours the brave. Hole 9 and Margaret pull hooks it into the shite on the left. Stuie and Sie smash it straight down the middle. Bazza checking if water red staked as knows that 230 yards is his distant but if it goes left of the water can nearly drive the green. Bazza pitches it straight into the water penalty drop 85 yards to the pin and hits it to 12 feet. Stuie and Sie hit the green in 2 and Margaret gouges his ball out of the rough 20 foot right of the flag. Margaret sees his ball on the green and moans again about the pin position. Sie and Stuie easy par’s, Bazza nails his 12 footer for par and Margaret 3 putts for a bogey oh dear. Front 9 finished Stuie and Bazza on 18 points, Margaret on 17 and Sie on 14 good recovery from Sie after blobbing the first 2 holes.

Hole 10 and Margaret goes first hits a massive drive (for him) and just short of the left bunker. Stuie hits over there too but further, Sie takes an iron about 30 yards passed Margaret’s drive, and Bazza smashes it over the right hand bunker and 50 yards past Margaret with only 110 to the back pin. Margaret 5 iron short of green Stuie and Sie both hit the green, Bazza with his 51 degree pin high but rolls off the back. Poor old Bazza chips to 10 foot of the hole but rolls back off the green even further away, so then chips to 8 foot of the pin but rolls back off the green. Then chips to 6 foot and stays up. Stuie and Margaret now shite scared of the pin position so both dolly up for tap in bogies, Sie lips out for birdie and an easy par and Bazza misses his putt for 6 always was going to be a blob after such a great drive. Hole 11 and Margaret’s 2nd shot ends up right of the green with another impossible up and down due to the drug related pin position. Margaret now not a happy bunny as he explains he has written a book 101 hardest golf shots in the world and this is now his 5^th one of the round. He plays another worldy chip to about 4 foot of the pin and sinks his putt for par.

Margaret in full melt down moaning mode but has played some of the best up and downs you have ever seen some pro’s couldn’t have done what he did you thought he would have been a happy chappy but he wasn’t. Anyway we continue on with Bazza, Sie and Stuie smashing it past Margaret and get to the stroke index 1 par 4 15^th. The bunker in the middle of the fairway normally Margaret can’t reach but it was wind behind so he went for it. Bazza and Stuie smash their drives miles over the bunker whereas Sie carves his miles right. We get down to the bunker and poor Margaret has the worse lie on the lip of the grass overhanging the bunker an impossible shot for anyone. So with 160 yards to go he pulls his rescue out and hits another career best onto the green we are witnessing one of the great escapes I don’t know about Seve, it was more like watching Harry Houdini. Unfortunately Margaret 3 putts for a bogey whilst Bazza and Stuie get easy pars. 16^th hole par 3 210 to the pin Stuie and Sie hit irons right of the green pin high, Bazza hits a rescue back of the green, Margaret hits his 3 wood back of the green. Margaret now faced with a tricky downhiller chip doesn’t get it down the hill, then putts to about 4 foot past misses his 4 footer and gets a five and loses it and does his Tessa Sanderson impersonation and javelins the pin into the green and totally trashes the 16^th green. Sie and Stuie get bogies whilst Bazza 4 putts for a 5 but all enjoying Margaret’s day out at Surrey downs at this point.

Come the 18^th and Stuie said right whatever happens we all have to go for the green in two. Margaret hits his best drive of the day, Stuie hits a bad one about 15 yards short of Margaret’s, Bazza smashes his drive 40 yards passed Margaret and Sie smashes his 20 yards passed Bazza. Stuie superb shot all over the flag, Margaret hits one out of his boots looks ok but not sure it can carry the aqua, Bazza smashes one all over the flag, Sie caresses one all over the flag. We get to the green and can only see 3 balls Bazza and Sie side by side with 15 foot eagle putts, Stuie past the flag with an 8 foot eagle putt, but we couldn’t see Margaret’s ball. We went down to the water hazard and it was about 1 foot over the water by the red stake with a really awkward shot. Margaret gets over the ball having given a clinic all day on how to get up and down from impossible situations surely he couldn’t do it again chips on rolls up to the top of the hill, takes the slope roles all the way down the slope and stops about 6 inches from the pin so an easy birdie. Stuie, Bazza, and Sie all 2 putt for birdies. So 18^th complete all 4 birdie the last another eventful day. Handshakes all around it meant that no change as Bazza didn’t catch Stuie, and The Silverback didn’t catch Bazza.

The Silverback 34, Stuie, 33, Bazza 31, Sie 30.

Group 2- Vinnie, The Essery, Wayneo, Stevie L

Group 3 – Johnny C, Bobby, Nicky, and Son of Sie (Lawrence)

In our group was the English boys junior and senior  Johnny C and a guest (didn't quite get his name!) after 10 minutes of heads and tails the partners for the day was johnny C and English Senior  v big hitting Bob and not sure of the boys name. The old boys got done 3 and 2 with Bobby and his partner knocking in birdies for fun. Not the best days for English senior lots of bad language and throwing of clubs (Johnny kept quite heard he has a good left hook!)

Good scoring from Bobby winning the day overall, Johnny C showing a few signs of form ready for the winter season in Tenerife 

So the final round of the year saw Bobby win on 41 points, Johnny C 2^nd on 36 points and The Essery 3^rd on 36 points. It was all so much better as before the last group came in The Essery was winning and was on for 5 bonus points and The Silverback was in 2^nd as was on for 3 bonus points. So the real heroes of the day were Bobby and Johnny C.

Chartham Park 7th October 2018

Chartham Park 7^th October 2018

8 of us turned up on a lovely sunny day with no Neanderthals so a very relaxing time and no grief with trying to sort the groups out as no one minded who they were playing with so Stuie sorted the groups out

Group 1 – Stuie, Vinnie, Johnny C and Wayneo

No matches here so just singles. Johnny C starts off and a massive curve to the left 18^th fairway, Vinnie drives off and a massive curve to the right straight into the drink, Stuie then tees off after having loads of practise at Bletchingley and discovered how to get loads more length out of his drives only to duff it 80 yards down the fairway. So no fairway hit and Wayneo steps up and smashes a superb drive straight down the hay about 250 yards simple PW into the green. The guys had a lot of fun especially with Vinnie’s buggy some good golf played here by Wayneo, with Stuie not driving well at all but still managing to score well with 5 birdies so he still has the Seve magic.

Wayneo 38, Stuie 36, Johnny C 34, Vinnie 31

Group 2 – Bazza, Sie, Bobby and Stevie L

Stevie L wanted to take on Bazza and Sie in match play Bazza keen to do well as he has to try and catch Stuie also and extra incentive to beat the dirty horrible Stevie L after he robbed Bazza at Foxhills. Matches under way and very similar to the first group no one hitting the fairway except Bazza the Giles bro’s well known for being long and straight. The important point to match play is to have both players in play as Bazza and Sie demonstrated on the first hole as both of them with 15 foot birdie putts side by side whilst Bobby and Stevie had both gone long and flown the green. So hole 1 Bazza and Sie pars, Bobby a 6 and Stevie L blob 1 up to the good guys. Hole 2 and Stevie L’s par not good enough to Bazza’s birdie so 2 played and 2 up to the good guys. Now as the front 9 progressed it was Mr Dove and Mr Tail going alone superbly come the 6^th and Bazza gets a double bogey but Sie gets an easy par. Front 9 complete and Bazza and Sie were smashing it Sie on 20 points, Bazza on 22 points, Bobby on 14 points and Stevie L on 13 and Bazza and Sie were 7 up in the match with Bazza and Sie a combined 2 under par for better ball not even Fleetwood and Molinari could live with that golf from Mr Long and Mr reliable.

Come the 10^th and Bazza and Sie now 8 up Dormie 8. Bobby wins the 11^th with a par Bazza’s par not good enough is the great comeback on? 7 down with 7 to play. Next hole stroke index 1 Stevie L 3 off the tee leaving Bobby on his own, with Bazza and Sie both in play as usual. Bazza hits to pin high on left edge of green Bobby hits into back bunker. Bazza chips to 6 foot and Bobby hits an exquisite  bunker shoot to 7 foot.  Bobby nails his par putt shows loads of bottle to keep the match alive, Bazza 6 footer to win the match 7 & 6 nails it never in doubt match over thanks lads it’s been a pleasure as Mr Dove and Mr Tail demolish Bobby and Stevie L  both admitting that they have never lost so heavily in their lives. So match over and back to the singles and low and behold Bobby and Stevie L started to play much better. Bazza just concentrating on catching Stuie and Sie looking for the 2^nd spot.

So it was Bazza’s day a golfing clinic shooting a gross 1 over par and getting much closer to Stuie. Bazza could hear Stuie’s arse go a bit as he nailed his final putt on the 18^th.  

Bazza 45, Sie 36, Bobby 31, Stevie L 29.

Winner Bazza 45, 2^nd Wayneo 38, 3rd Stuie 36

Foxhills 23rd Sept 2018

Foxhills 2^nd Major 23^rd September 2018

12 of us merry lickers turned up at Foxhills expecting the worse with the weather but luckily it cleared up after raining all weekend and it was actually a nice sunny afternoon thank goodness for the late tee off. The groups were already sorted out in the order of merit where people were on the leaderboard.

Group 1 Stuie, Bazza, The Silverback, Vinnie

Group 2 The Essery, Sie, Wayneo, Stevie L

Group 3 Nicky, Bobby, Johnny C, Jules

Group 1

The elite of golfers the winner must come from this group. The Silverback doing his usual and turned up late and had to rush to the tee. Bazza drives off first and melts one down there. Stuie good drive The Silverback good drive, Vinnie duffs his tee shot and hacks his way down the fairway.  Newcs pars the first Bazza 3 putts from 10 foot for a 6, Vinnie took 5 to get on the green and drains a 15 footer for a 6 Stuie with a Gus. 2^nd hole the silverback pulls it into the trees on the left bounces straight out looks as though in the bunker. Bazza does the same but no luck as missus all the trees and has no shot as 100 trees in the way. The silverback arrives to his ball and it missed the bunker by 5 feet and has a perfect shot into the green lucky bastard. The silverback with another par Bazza and Stuie both with 7’s. As the front 9 continues and Bazza ups his game and The Silverback keeps blocking his drives right and they keep hitting trees and coming back out into the fairway every time lucky bastard. Poor Vinnie he keeps hitting trees and they keep bouncing further into the woods. The longest drive 7^th and The Silverback unwinds and smashes his drive miles up there or so he thought his best drive of the day. Stuie duffs one, and Vinnie doesn’t get drawn in and hits an iron. Bazza looks at the right bunker 190 yard carry and looks to smash it over there with a bit of draw melts one down there miles passed the Silverback. We get down to the drives and Bazza 5 foot off the fairway 30 yards ahead of the Silverback, the Silverback puts his name down shameful anyone else would have been embarrassed especially after being outdriven but we all know the Silverback his no morals.  Next group and Stevie L gets passed the Silverback so Bazza all happy again.

Front 9 completed the luckiest 9 holes ever for The silverback but Bazza wins the front 9 on 15 points. 10^th hole Bazza blocks it right 3 off the tee gets a 6 for a blob and The Silverback pars it he is back into the game.  But Bazza reals off 5 pars on the spin to put the pressure on the Silverback, Stuie not having a good day so was already out of it and of course Vinnie was never in it in the first place so it’s really down to Bazza and The Silverback, Stuie encouraging Bazza and telling him he must beat The Silverback. Come the 17^th and The Silverback does his usual and says I’m 2 shots behind the Bazza with 2 to play. Bazza caresses a drive down the tough stroke index 4 where both players get a shot. The Silveback melts one down there and is 30 yards passed Bazza.  Bazza 157 to the pin uphill with a bunker protecting the green, pulls a 6 iron and flies the bunker and knocks it to 10 foot. The Silverback not happy and shouts at Bazza “That’s the luckiest thinned shot I’ve seen in my life”.  The Silverback not known for his sportsmanship !!! anyone else would have said “great shot” So come the 18^th Bazza two shots ahead and Bazza only needs a bogey to beat the Silverback and Bazza confidant that the whole tournament at this point is between himself and The Silverback as it’s such a tough and tight course so no way can Stevie L win he just isn’t straight enough and is too wayward. Sie a good golfer but again on such a tight course will be difficult for him.

18^th tee Bazza drives in pole position no distance just 210 yards perfect. The Silverback 30 yards passed Bazza, Vinnie and Stuie take the Tiger line on the left. Bazza lays up with a 7 iron The Silverback hits a rescue to about 70 yards short of the green. Bazza with 148 to the pin. We all go and look for Stuie and Vinnies balls 15 mins later no luck so Bazza plays his third takes the bunkers out of play hits an 8 iron to make sure short of the green. But then Bazza and the Silverback get a shout Vinnie and Stuie have both found their balls on the other fairway and hit up to the Silverback’s ball. The Silverback hits his 3^rd to 5 foot so a birdie looking likely. Stuie and Vinnie both hit their 3^rd shots short of Bazza’s.  Stuie chips in for a birdie The Silverback crest falling can’t work out how Stuie from nowhere gets a birdie. Bazza putts up to about 10 foot. Bazza 10 foot par lags it up to 1 foot and guarantees his bogey enough to do The Silverback. The Silverback adrenaline gone out of him misses his birdie and gets a par. Bazza 18 points on the back and 33 altogether can’t be beaten on such a tough tight track does the Silverback once again, a common thyme the last couple of years. The Silverback always playing 2^nd fiddle to Bazza.

Group 2 (Supplied by Stevie L)

With the early morning weather being atrocious the thought of playing golf in the rain was enough to scare even the toughest Silverback. The betting started early to see if he would turn up and if so what hole he would do his disappearing act. The WhatsApp was in melt down.

But luckily the forecast did look good and driving to the course the clouds broke and the sun shone, so the golfing Gods where on our side.

Arriving at the course nice and early to take in the ambiance of playing at Fox hills Golf Club was slightly dampened when the battery in my Moto caddy failed before I even reached the 1^st tee, thinking this could be a bad day.

Our 4 some me, bomber, Wayne and Simon, due to our handicaps Wayne picked the pairs of him and Simon verses Me and Bomber, a great pairing.

I was coming off my victory at Quinta Do Lobo with a convincing 38 points on the Sunday not only securing the day but put me into third place overall with Phil and Bazza. Only for Phil to award me with 3 place overall and the €80.00 which seemed unfair but Bazza being the gentleman that he is wouldn’t take the third of the monies. But yet again beating him on “count back” something that even now gives him sleepless nights and will come to haunt him as this day unfolds.

Our game progressed, Simon demonstrating what it’s like to not only look good but to manipulate his golf ball around the course with booming drives and a finesse around the greens and a steady 20 points after 9 holes. The rest of us scrambling but trying to keep on his coat tails as it’s a game of two halves. Wayno drove like a demon but his iron play and his putting letting him down. Bomber was a little inconsistent but can still hit a very convincing ball. His game developed into “moon walking” when taking his driver and who invented bunkers as they would become his nemesis. Although they where not in the best condition. I was inconsistent too, my driver although I am capable of hitting a long ball I persistently pulled them left meaning a chip out onto the fairway. But my iron play, chipping and putting wasn’t too bad.

Sad to say we didn’t keep our scorecards but safe to say that Wayne and Simon took and early lead and went 2 up on Bomber and I. But we both dug deep with both us contributing to level the match before taking a 2-hole lead into the notorious 16^th par 3. With a yardage of about 180 yards give or take, I looked into my golf bag for some inspiration. Not convinced my 3 wood would carry the water I decide on taking my DRIVER. Now I knew what I was doing but Simon standing behind me thought WTF is he doing and wasn’t convinced with 2 down and three to play this one was in the bag. Choking down on my driver and with a convincing three quarter swing my ball sailed towards the flag majestically landing about 10 feet from the flag.

Ok then so I duffed it cleared the hazard, speared the bunkers and rolled up the green. As you can image Simon and Wayno where so pleased.

Imagine sinking the birdie putt Simon would have had a hypo.

This gave Bomber and me DORMY 2. The 17^th was an interesting hole my partner going off the boil a bit and encountering the “S” yes shanks leaving me to finally put the nail in the coffin of our opponents with a beautifully flighted rescue wood fading onto the green. With a 2 putt and par to win 2 and 1, a shake of the hands and the prospect of £5.00 coming our way.

So all in all a great days golf, everyone survived the scores probably matching the Golf Course it was wet and very tree lined.

Group 3

The last group to go off with Bobby already a major winner this year looking for the grand slam, playing with Johnny C on good form from Portugal and has played the course before, with Nicky who has been cut due to his recent form and Jules who hardly ever plays. Who would be victorious in this group. As the round progress they get some problems with a couple of septic’s a two ball behind them. One of the septic’s comes up and has a word with Bobby and asks why are they not letting them though, Bobby explains they are on the back of a society and that there isn’t any point. The septic goes away a bit disgruntled.  A couple of holes later and the septic’s are back again moaning at Bobby. Do they not realise who they are dealing with one left hook from Bobby’s old man and it’s good night Vienna surely Nicky is going to step in and sort them out, but no wait the normal placid pacifist Johnny C himself decides he’s had enough and goes for them. He tells them to shut the f**k up the pair of c**ts. The septic’s go back tails between their legs not used to the aggressive English not to be seen for a while, but do pop up a few holes later probably the better cause of valour  seeing sense as they didn’t bother the boys anymore. As the boys play the last hole in the dark you can image how annoyed the septic’s behind them were. Bobby the only one in this group that played some decent golf with a respectable score of 31.

Winner Stevie L                   33 on Countback

2^nd Bazza                                33 on Countback

3^rd Simon                               33

Who would have Adam and Eve’d it Stevie L winning on such a tight course. So a big congrats to Stevie winning the last WL Major of the year.

Scores on the day                                Points                     Bonus

Steve Laflain                                         33                           10

Barry Giles                                             33                           6

Simon George                                       33                           2

Andy Newcombe                                    31

Bob English                                            31

Stuart Faulkner                                     27

Wayne Giles                                          27

Vince Pain                                             25

Andy Essery                                          23

John Cashin                                           21          

Nicky English                                         19

Julian Gray                                             19

Farleigh 2nd Sept 2018

10 of the lickers plus a guest Dan’s old man turned up today with glorious conditions and the course was immaculate. So the groups were sorted out Group one saw Stuie, Vinnie, The Essery and The Silverback. Group 2 saw Johnny C and Wayneo take on Dan and his old man Mark. The 3^rd group was Bazza, Bobby and Nicky.

Group 1

Stuie who has now started to hit top form was looking forward to a battle with his old nemesis The Silverback especially after losing narrowly to Bazza at Hever on Friday in one of the Fox Majors. Both Stuie and The Silverback played well at Hever a very tough course so were pretty confidant on playing well on a really easy course in great condition with lovely greens. Everyone in this group found the course easy except one member who found it very difficult. Poor old Painy had a nightmare blobbing most the holes whilst his partners were ripping up the course.  Vincent had amassed 6 points on the front 9 and needed counselling to continue his round. Probably not help by the fact The Silverback not being sympathetic and told Vinnie that Nicky had more points on his driving license than Vinnie had on his scorecard. Match ended up with Vinnie on 9 points and Stuie and The Silverback as expected ripped the course up and both shooting level par and Stuie winning the day thanks to the good old handicap system another victory over his old mucker. Both Stuie and The Silverback with big cuts after their impressive scores and poor old Vinnie only goes up .1. It looks as though the Silverback has turned the corner and is now starting to play some good golf again amazing what a bit of stick does for someone’s moral.

Stuie 44, The Silverback 43, The Essery 34, Vincent (best not mention)

Group 2

A match was played Johnny C and Wayneo v Cootsie Senior and Cootsie Junior.

Johnny C starting to hit some form again and played well as he always does at Farleigh. Wayneo not so good after a long time out but dove tailed well and Wayneo and Johnny C take out the Cootsie’s easily with and 5&4 victory.

Johnny 40, Dan and Mark both 29, Wayneo 24.

Group 3

Bazza and Bobby hung back waiting for Nicky who not only got the time wrong but got the wrong course he had played 3 holes at Addington Palace before he realised he was on the wrong course, he only realised this when the other 3 guys he was playing with didn’t speak any English. When they kept saying no English he thought they meant he couldn’t have a gimmie.

So Bazza and Bobby couldn’t wait any longer so they started without Nicky and Nicky joined them on the 2^nd tee. Bazza doing his usual 3 putting the first couple of greens and Bobby started off with a curved shot to the right. Bobby was smashing the ball miles passed Bazza and Nicky with some drives over 300 yards. On the tough 468 yard 8^th Bobby hit a drive about 315 yards and then an 8 iron and just missed the birdie putt impressive hitting from the youngster. Come the 11^th and Bobby with only 14 points on the front 9 decided to drive the green and carried it 290 to about 15 foot of the pin. Nicky was playing some decent golf also and birdied the 10^th. He then had a 3 foot birdie putt at the 11^th only to hit it like a big girl and miss it, he was gutted but still a stress free par. Come the 18^th and again Bobby smashed a drive and almost held his wedge for an eagle . Some really good golf played by the Englishes and Nicky smashing it with 42 points and he didn’t even play the first hole.

Nicky 42, Bazza 37, Bobby 35

Winner Stuie 44, 2^nd The Silverback 43, 3^rd Nicky 42.

A special mention to Vinnie who wins hacker of the day and officially has the lickers lowest score of the year so far. Expect to see his scorecard alongside the Taggerts. 

Woodcote 27th August 2018

6 of us turned up on Monday after the wash out on Sunday. Unfortunately the greens had been hollow-tined so were not in great shape a real shame for a course that is known for it’s superb greens. Two groups were sorted out Bazza fancied playing with the Silverback and his old buddie Stuie, Bazza keen to play with the Silverback to understand why he has lost all 4 matches with The Essery,  so group one was The Essery, Stevie L, and Vinnie, Group two Bazza, Stuie, and the shanking silverback.  

Group 1

Vinnie tees off driver in hand and curves it massively right onto the 4th fairway, Stevie L steps up and pulls it massively left on the 18^th fairway, The Essery steps up and just hits it straight down the hay, he has a decision to make does he walk left with Stevie L  or right with the Painy, so as he hates them both he decided to just walk straight down the middle but when he got to his ball we saw him on both fairways helping his partners look for their balls note to the Silverback this is what nice people do. So as the game progresses all we can see is Stevie L on the wrong fairway on each hole does he know something we don’t or was he just having a bad round, we didn’t think it was a bad round because normally he goes into sulk mode and looks for solace in his phone but his phone was nowhere to be seen so he must have just preferred different attack angles to the pin for his 2^nd shots. The greens were shocking as The Essery found out as he 4 putted the par 3 3^rd. He wanted to give himself the 3 footer with his usual back putting it but Vinnie stopped him, and Stevie L and Vinnie made him putt out and low and behold he missed it (that’s why we don’t give gimmies) The Essery still in Coulsdon mode with the Sellers and the Silverback. So the match goes alone and Vinnie had abandoned his driver and was hitting his 3 wood and smashing it about 60 yards passed The Essery’s drive. The Essery kept asking Vinnie what club he was hitting, to Vinnie’s annoyance, as he was trying to keep up with the massive hitting Vinnie, only to come up short each time.  One of these days The Essery will learn that he just can’t hit a ball like Vincent (oh so long) and just stick to his own game nothing wrong with 100 yard carry and 100 yards of roll  perfect for links golf. The end nears and The Essery asks Vinnie how many points he has as very keen to beat his old nemesis and Vinnie in his usual polite way tells the Essery that he won’t tell him his score (Mind games for Vincent I’m sure).

So final scores in Vinnie 32, The Essery 28, Stevie L 25. Vinnie now 9 to 2 up this year against the Essery in their grudge matches.

Group 2

First hole and all 3 20 yards short of the green Stuie and Bazza chip up to about 10 foot, and The Short game maestro The Silverback chips to 2 foot. Stuie and Bazza miss their putts and The Silverback nails his. 2^nd hole and The Silverback drives up to the same distance as Bazza, The Silverback goes for it and duffs a rescue, Bazza lays up with an 8 iron just short of the bunker. The Silverback 3^rd shot just short of the green, Bazza stiffs it to 2 foot with his 3^rd. Stuie to the right of the green. Both Stuie and the Silverback get up and down for par, Bazza misses his 2 foot birdie putt and gets a par (dog shite greens). A couple more holes played and Bazza and Stuie start opening their shoulders and just melting the drives down the middle, with the poor old Silverback about 60 yards behind each time. The Silverback kept having rescues into the green and kept coming up short, but his short game was getting him out of trouble and he kept chipping and one putting. Come the 6^th and the Silverback short left and in the rough his short game had been impressive up to this point so odds on for getting up and down again for his par. He chips it but no a double hit and duffs it straight into the bunker if front of him. So he plays his bunker shot and gets it on the green which now should be for his 6^th shot after incurring a 2 shot penalty but was moaning and crying that how could we possible have seen the double hit and did we have slow motion cameras, so Stuie and Bazza into consultation should we penalise the Silverback or let him off, now as the Silverback was playing so poorly we decided to let him off, but he missed his putt anyway and blobbed hole. Come the 8th the par 3 down hill  Bazza hit a 5 iron on the green, Stuie duffs a 6 iron miles short and left, The Silverback steps up rescue in hand fully winds up as it will be a big rescue for him he should really be taking a driver, and curves it right into the woods about 30 yards short of the green. Bazza does his usual 3 putt bogey and Stuie gets up and down again for par, another blobbed hole for the shanking Silverback. So the back 9 came and it was patently obvious that the Silverback couldn’t compete with the ball striking of Stuie and Bazza so he starts to talk about a bad back and how he can’t turn through the ball properly and on the 11^th hole he even moaned on his back swing just to try and validate that he was injured; made no difference to Stuie and Bazza who again melted drives up there the Silverback again with a rescue in for his 2^nd whilst Bazza had 100 yards and a 51 degree with Stuie with his lob wedge, Stuie and Bazza playing a different game to the poor old Silverback. But the Silverback was relying on his impressive short game and was getting up and down nearly every time. Come the 15^th and the Silverback was a broken man and bemoaned how hard the hole was as it was 395 yards up hill. Bazza and Stuie just laughing and melted drives up the middle about 250 and 260 yards. Again the poor old Silverback hitting a rescue for his 2nd shot massively short into the right hand bunker, Bazza hits a 7 iron and Stuie hits a 9 iron. The Silverback then thins his bunker shot over the green putts down and misses by about 10 foot and gives up another blob. Meanwhile Bazza with a tricky putt pin high but massive left to right and over a hill nails it for his biride, Stuie 3 putts for a bogey. Up to this point the Silverback had been pissing off the group in front by insisting on hitting his drives whilst they were in range so he tees up on the 17^th and duck hooks his drive miles into the woods. Stuie and Bazza wait for Vinnie to get out of range and just melt massive drives up the middle Stuie with a lovely angle in right of the fairway. Stuie and Bazza tell the shanking hooking duffing Silverback to take 3 off the tee and he said “no can’t be bothered I will just drop one up by the green and just chip and putt” so another blobbed hole then. So Stuie and Bazza hit their 2^nd shots and go up to the green to putt out and The Silverback is hitting a ball in from about 100 yards back oh he must be practising but he claims that he found his ball and that was his 3^rd shot oh dear it’s come to this the poor old Silverback after been totally outplayed for 16 holes by Stuie and Bazza had resorted to cheating he really has hit on all time low. So final hole the 18^th and the Silverback only 1 point behind Bazza thanks to Bazza 3 putting most of the Dog Shite greens actually in with a change of beating Bazza so he concentrates and hits a massive drive down the middle (well for him it was massive) no sign of back pain in that one strange that. Bazza blocked out on the right and Stuie miles left. Bazza has to chip out sideways and has 195 yards left for his 3^rd The Silverback true to form duffs his 2^nd shot with his rescue, Stuie continuing to go down the left side of the fairway. Bazza melts a lovely rescue straight on to the green 15 foot birdie putt, The Silverback hitting his 3^rd shot and can’t get his iron inside of Bazza’s 3^rd so last hole Stuie bogeyed and Bazza and The Silverback pairing. Stuie proving once again he is the better golfer and his only genuine competition is now Bazza after the demise of the Silverback.  R.I.P The Silverback

Final scores Stuie 35, Bazza 30 and The Cheat 29.

Winner Stuie 35, 2^nd Vinnie 32, 3^rd Bazza 30 

Parkwood 19th August 2018

Chick pulled out in the morning due to a bad back so we had 8 of us playing so it was a good opportunity for a bit of match play, also Dan the Man Mr Parkwood himself was back so Stevie L had his old faithful partner back. So after much deliberation it was decided the Undateables v Dan and Stevie L. Dan and Stevie were undefeated before Dan’s life threatening injury, and The undateables were the complete opposite having lost all of their matches.

Group 1 Dan and Stevie versus The Undateables

A bad start for The Silverback as his duffs his tee shot about 140 yards down the fairway. How would this match pan out. Bazza catches up with Stevie on the 5^th and enquires into how the match was going and Stevie confirmed that he and Dan were already 3 up after 5. So the front 9 completed and Dan and Stevie were 5 up on the turn a real pasting for the poor undateables who just can’t seem to gel together. They had themselves down as pre-tournament favourites after tossing each other off at Coulsdon, but we all know what the Neanderthals are like when you put them on real golf courses it just all becomes too much for them, you can almost hear them talking to each other “can’t wait to play the old Pitch and Putt again so we can convince ourselves that we can play golf”. So onto the back 9 and The Essery is the one in the group trying to regain some respectability whilst his partner is just hacking his way around. TheEssery pulls a couple of holes back but to no avail as they get smashed 4 & 2. Another humiliating defeat not sure how much longer The Essery can take with such a shite partner. If you go down to Godstone on a Sunday morning you might see The Essery cap in hand begging for a partner, Taggert, Bobadare, etc.

Group 2 Bazza and Wayneo versus Stuie and Vinnie

This was a friendly match with Wayneo returning after 3 weeks off, and Stuie just back from his 6 weeks in Tenerife so was going to be a tough match as there isn’t anything between these two great teams as they have both won one each against each other. Bazza hitting some good form at the moment starts off with a birdie to win the first hole. The match was nip and tuck the whole way, with Bazza and Wayneo managing to get to 2 up only to be pegged back to level after 9 holes on the turn. Stuie doing most of the damage but Vinnie coming in every now and then but it wasn’t pretty golf on the front 9 as no one really played well. Stuie and Vinnie then go 1 up on the back 9 and Bazza and Wayneo get it back to levels playing the tough uphill 16^th par 5. Wayneo hits two great shots a 3 wood and a rescue to pin high and just comes up one roll short for a birdie but Par good enough to go 1 up with two to play. Par 3 17^th and Vinnie needs a 4 footer for par to have a chance of going to the 18^th all square, Vinnie nails the putt never in doubt, Vinnie wins the hole with a par and it’s all square going down the 18^th, another great match between this two superb teams. All on the dance floor and Stuie with a really tough downhill putt goes passed Bazza, so Stuie with a massive putt for his par nails it Stuie always comes up trumps under pressure.  Bazza missus his uphill birdie putt and gets his par with Wayneo getting a par also so it was match halved another great match just proving how close it is between them.  Some good golf played by all on the back 9 with Wayneo coming in with 20 points.

A special mention to the poor old Silverback whom came in last on 26 points having a torrid time at the moment with his golf game not helped by playing Dan at Parkwood who always beats him, we are now going to call Dan the Newcombator.

Winner Dan (Mr Parkwood) 35, 2^nd Bazza 33, 3^rd Wayneo 32

Chartham Park 5th August 2018

Got a phone call from the Silverback last week “Just played Coulsdon with Bomber and he ripped it up 45 points playing off of 14 and no gimmies”. See chaps the amount of shite I have to listen to and BS does the Silverback think for 1 minute I believe any of the shite that comes out of his mouth especially as Bomber is an ironic name given to the Essery from his boyfriend. So Friday night up the Tudor and the Essery turns up like a dog with 2 dicks after beating The Sellers, and the Sweeny’s at his favourite pitch and putt in the Friday gimmie fest, and of course he shot a 10 over.

The Essery played Coulsdon 5 days last week so was well up for Chartham Park and was hot favourite to win the day after “apparently” ripping up Coulsdon. The two Neanderthals were having a match between Sie and Chick so they decided to get down to Chartham 8 hours before and spent 6 hours on the range, boy were they keen, and taking the Sunday knock really seriously not even the PGA Tour takes golf this seriously and the Silverback has never taken anything seriously in his life he really is a changed ape. So The Neanderthals favourite for their match, and The Essery favourite to take the singles after such a Stella week.  

So they tee off Sie smashes a 4 iron down the middle Chick melts a drive down the middle, The Silverback caresses a drive down the middle, The Essery hits his drive about 120 yards. So the Essery 210 yards to the green must lay up but no goes for the green duffs it, it pitches 100 yards and then rolls another 100 yards into the drink. Good to see all that practise on the range had paid off, never mind 17 more holes to help his buddy out.

Match Report supplied by Sie

Four up, cruising for an easy victory on yet another lickers afternoon of golf, but never underestimate the boys from carshalton never over until the point of no return, newcs played the front nine in his usual manner hitting quality shots although sie matched him and contained them to not increasing their lead further, the Essery also played well on the front nine with some good drives and fairway shots not to be ignored the only part of his game which let him down was the flat stick, Chick was not on his best form but sie knew he'd come roaring back, four down six to play... all over?? No chance.. the carshalton duo delivered some good match play tactics including a phone ringing in chicks bag which unsettled Newcs!! Chick wins a couple then sie helps to get the match all square on the sixteenth green. Par 3 17th sie the only one to hit the green to go dormie 1 with one to play and would you Adam and Eve it they win that too to take the match 2 up. Good match but never over until it's over.

2^nd group saw Bazza, Nicky, Stevie L and Vinnie.

Bazza starts off superbly with a birdie on the 1^st and then proceeds to rip up the front 9, coming in 1 under par 24 points. Stevie and Vinnie were also playing some good golf but Nicky was having a shocker 12 points off of a 25 handicap is no good. Nicky ditches his driver for a 3 wood and plays the back 9 much better coming in with 20 points.

So the pre-tournament favourite The Essery actually comes last on 25 points a massive 27 over par and the day was won by Bazza on 41 points an impressive 5 over par. The Neanderthals are officially the worse team as they have lost all of their matches and the Essery needs back surgery after carrying his boyfriend over 18 holes; as they say cream always rises to the top and what sinks to the bottom ??

1^st Bazza 41, 2^nd Sie 35, 3^rd The Silverback 33

Nizels 29th July 2018

5 of us turned up as the weather conditions were horrendous but forecast was to brighten up around 3.30 pm and we were teeing off at 4pm so no problems there then. We were waiting for Nicky and were really surprised when he turned up as we expected him to be sitting round Nigel’s house as Bazza had told him the course was Nizels. 

As there were 5 of us we decided to play a 5 ball which makes it’s slow but the weather was still so bad we thought it would make it more of a laugh and let’s be honest we are out there to have a bit of a laugh as well us trying to play some decent golf. So first to tee off into the howling wind (forecast totally wrong at this point) was Jonny C a decent drive down the hay a little left, 2^nd was Bazza another decent drive but no distance due to the head winds, Sie melted one down there but again no distance due to the head wind. So up steps Nicky a couple of practise swings and smashes one down there we all look up into the distance but alas no ball how could that be possible there was an almighty crack so he should have melted one but we all looked at Nicky and he only had ½ a club in his hand his driver had smashed in two and the ball was about 20 yards in front of him. We were all pissing ourselves and rolling about it was the funniest thing we have ever witnessed on a first tee. So up stepped Wayneo the last to tee off still corpseing from Nicky’s drive. Wayneo hits a massive pull miles OOB but what chance did he have of hitting a decent drive. 

So we all continue off on our merry ways with a mixture of good golf and lost balls as the conditions were not abating in fact the weather was getting worse. It was carnage out there with trolleys getting blown over Simon had decided to abandon his brolly as it was more effort trying to keep it up as he was carrying his bag. So come to 7^th hole the short par 4 but 2^nd shot over water. Simon melts a 4 iron down there Nicky doing his usual and questioning why Simon has taken a 4 iron as could he run out of room with a driver, but in fairness Nicky was questioning every single shot that everyone took and wanted to know the yardage to the hole how far his ball had gone, how far each of us had in, what direction the wind was going, what colour pants everyone was wearing, only to 90% of the time duff his shot talk about paralyse by analysis. So Nicky stepped up to take his tee shot and a force 9 hurricane kicked up just after his shot which sent his trolley crashing into Jonny C’s trolley and then trying to take out Bazza’s trolley which luckily Bazza was holding on to it for dear life. Now this time after untangling the trolleys Nicky’s umbrella was in about 14 pieces. Again we were all in bits couldn’t stop laughing and it was poor old Wayneos turn again to drive off, hence why he pulled it into the shit on the left. So we all trundle off down the fairway still pissing ourselves laughing Sie and Bazza in the middle of the fairway miles up there waiting for Nicky, Jonny C, and Wayneo to hit their shots. They all had about 175 to carry the water both Wayneo and Jonny C duffed their 2nds straight into the drink and then they both kept having goes until they cleared the water it was like watching Tin Cup I think Wayneo dumped about 8 balls into the water. BTW way Sie and Bazza both knocked their balls on in two and played the hole properly with Nicky pulling his miles left but at least dry. 

Then came the par 3 Bazza hits a 6 iron on the green and then it was Simon’s and Jonny C’s turn to go in the drink. Nicky smashed one miles left but dry and Wayneo miles over the back of the green. As we were so slow and so shite we decided to let the 3 ball behind us go so we all waited on the green for the guys to hit but they were worse than us, one of them hit the ball over the drink but just short of the green, another miles left over with Nicky, and the other guy dumped two balls in the drink. Meanwhile Jonny C went fishing and was fetching balls out of the water. So the guy whose ball was safe just short of the green came over and his ball was missing both Sie and Bazza had seen it land so Jonny C had actually stolen the poor guys ball and denied all knowledge about it. At this point Nicky was trying to play on and couldn’t understand why we let the 3 ball through so we all blamed Wayneo no wonder we are called the Window Lickers not a sane one amongst us with Jonny C suffering from kleptomania and Nicky can’t work out when we are dead slow. Anyway onwards and upwards.

The back 9 was pretty uneventful and some good golf was actually played with Jonny C getting 20 points on the back, Sie and Nicky were 19 and Bazza was 18 and we all missed loads of putts. Wayneo had given up by the 9^th as he just wasn’t mentally tough enough to deal with all the elements and distractions that were thrown at him. He relied too much on the weather forecast which said it would brighten up by 4 pm and to be honest all the way round we all kept saying it will brighten up and on the 12^th tee Wayneo lost it and said that the next person who said it will brighten up will by wearing a driver so he was in full melt down mode and stood up and hit his drive and melted it miles up there just goes to show how far you can hit a driver when you are wound up and a total mental case. 

Bazza and Simon continued with their match play and Bazza done Sie by 1 up to make it 4 to 2 to Sie. Nicky pleased with his golf game (can’t say the rest of us felt that way) but he did fold at the last to throw it away, and Jonny C said that was the best he had played in ages so apart from Wayneo we all felt pretty happy with the day out at Nigel’s. 

Winner Sie 34, 2^nd Nicky 33, 3^rd Bazza 33 

Woldingham 17th June 2018

8 of us turned up. Course was in very good condition apart from the bunkers they were terrible no sand and full of stones.

Group 1 Stuie and Vinnie took on Bobby and Nick

Group 2 Bazza, Wayneo Jules and The Essery

Group 1

Started off really well for Bobby who smashed a drive 300 yards straight down the fairway with Nicky pulling it massively left and losing two balls on the first hole. But it all turned around and actually Nicky was the one who played well whilst Bobby didn’t play well at all. What a nice son Bobby is playing badly on Father’s day so his dad gets all the credit for winning the match. BTW Bobby and Nicky won the match 1 up.

Vinnie and Stuie playing some decent golf in this group with Vinnie getting 38 points and confident of beating his old nemesis The Essery and making it 8 wins this year over his arch rival. No way would the Essery come in with more than 38 points !!!!!

Group 2

No match here just playing for the WL individual. Bunkers proving a nightmare for Bazza as every bunker he went in lead to a blobbed hole as the shots were thinned over the green each time into the deep rough. On hole 6 Wayneo didn’t want to play out the bunker as it would have ruined his club so we gave him a free drop. Bazza could have had a free drop but as his SW is already f***ed it didn’t make much difference and was determined to play a good bunker shot but alas it didn’t pan out and another blob. Jules played some good golf but putted poorly. The Essery was on fire and played superb golf and all parts of his game were working. He went in the bunker on the 12^th with loads of stones so we gave him a free drop out of the bunker as he was playing so well we didn’t want to ruin his good round so far.

The Essery has now got Woldingham out of his system as he got 20 points on the front 9 and 22 points on the back 9. He can no longer blame the course for any bad play as he has just shot a 12 over the best round of his golfing career and looking well on course to achieve his objective of getting down to a 14 handicapper by the end of this year.

The Essery now new favourite for the WL title this year especially as his shoulder has recovered.

Winner The Essery 42, 2^nd Vinnie 38,  3^rd Nicky 35 

Pyford 3rd June 2018

10 of us turned up.

Group 1 Sie, The Silverback and The Essery

Group 2 Johnny C, Stevie L, and The Sellers

Group 3 Bazza, Wayneo versus Stuie and Vinnie

Group 1

No real update from this Group Sie obviously played well as he came in on 39 points and the two Neanderthal’s must have played well as they both came in on 34 points like father like son you work out which is which.  

Group 2

This group must have struggled with losing some balls as we were behind them watching them walk off in all directions non straight up the fairway it was mainly left or right in the rough. Johnny C is still on a slump as again he could only just muster 25 points.  

Group 3

The Giles Bros took on the pre-tournament favourites Stuie and Vinnie whom had already beaten the undateables twice.

This started off well for the Giles bro’s with Wayneo on fire parring the first two holes to go two up. Wayneo dumps his ball in the drink on the 3^rd and has to rely on Bazza who got a par but that wasn’t good enough to Stuie’s birdie. The was some good golf played by Stuie, Bazza and Wayneo and come the turn Stuie on 21 points and Wayneo and Bazza on 18 and 15 points and all square. Poor old Stuie was having to do it all on his own as his usual reliable partner had the Tom Hanks and didn’t perform at all. The match was nip and tuck all the way and come the 15^th all square. Wayneo having to hold a clutch putt for par on the 16^th to keep it all square. Then come the last two holes and Bazza the usual reliable golfer who always shows his metal down the final stretch comes in Birdie par against Stuies Par Par to just take the match 1 up. The Giles Bros dove tailing superbly and Stuie having to dove tail with himself as his partner really didn’t turn up.

Winner Stuie 41, 2^nd Sie  39, 3^rd The silverback 34

Nizels 27th May 2018

8 of us turned up on a nice sunny day with a 4pm tee off. Chick and Simon decided to get there a day in advance and had already completed 2 rounds, lunch, and 14 hours practise on the putting green.

Group 1 Bazza, Chick, Sie, and Stevie L

Group 2, The Silverback, The Essery, Stuie, and Vinnie

Group 1

A nice sensible round of golf with Bazza and Sie playing their usual match play Sie already 1 up for the year.  Bazza nursing a serious muscle injury in the right arm starts of well 2 pars no sign of the muscle problem then loses his ball on the third and blames his horrendous life threatening injury.  

As the round progresses good golf no problem bad golf blamed on the injury.  Bazza played some dog shit golf thank god for the serious injury. Sie won the match 3 & 2 no real competition as Bazza was dog pooh.

Chick putted terrible and blamed the 14 hours of practise. Sie was ok in spells but again didn’t really play to his potential. The only decent golfer in the golf was Stevie L after a long lay off came back and was down the middle every time and didn’t really hit any bad shots.  

Group 2

The 2nd match between the pre-tournament favourites Stuie and Vinnie versus the undateables.

This didn’t start well for Vinnie as he flew into one of his usual rages and snaps his 5 wood on the 2^nd hole. Not sure what Vinnie expects out of golf he knows he is a shite golfer if only he lowered his expectations he would then be able to curb that nasty little temper of his. Mind you this would put Bill Woodmans out of business. I think Vinnie’s issue stem from the needle between himself and The Essery for the title of the worse golfer in the WL league. Vinnie keeps reminded us that he has played 8 games against The Essery this year and has won 6 and lost 2.    

Anyway on to the real golfers so the match progresses and Bazza getting regular updates from Stuie how the match was going and Stuie and Vinnie were always up. Stuie and Vinnie win the match 2 up meaning that Stuie and Vinnie have a 100% record and The undateables have a 0% record.  The Essery not happy with his partner as he keeps letting him down and has asked Bob a Dare and Margaret Kent if they are available   

Winner Silverback 40, 2^nd Stevie L 37, 3^rd Stuie 36

Parkwood 13th May 2018

8 of us turned up to a course that is having some major construction. Greens rolled lovely and course in decent nick.

Group 1 – Chick, Johnny C, Vinnie, and The Silverback

Group 2 – Bazza, Bobby, Nicky, and Wayneo

Group 1

Chick and Johnny C took on Vinnie and The Silverback in a match and were desperate to win after seeing their drives off of the first tee. Vinnie had the Tom Hanks again so had to rely on The Silverback to do the damage. It all went down to the last where The Silverback has a putt to win the match and the ball did a complete 360 and dropped to win the match.

Chick 32, Johnny C 27, Vinnie 26, The Silverback 34

Group 2

This was a Lickers official doubles match seeing the impressive English’s taking on the Giles Bro’s. First hole and Wayneo’s putting woes continue as he misses a 2 foot putt to win the hole only to halve it. 2^nd hole and Wayneo 3 putts again, with Bobby and Bazza birding the hole and Bazza and Wayneo lost the hole tough playing the Englishes. So front 9 and Wayneo and Bazza were down all the time just when it looked as though Bazza and Wayneo would win a hole Nicky came up with a wonder shot after duffing his drive, then duffing 2 more shots he had 190 yards in for his fifth whilst Bazza lying 100 yards away for two. Nicky nails it to about 2 foot and gets a bogey whilst Bazza’s par just good enough for the half. Come the 9^th and all square Bazza smashing the front 9 on 20 points and could only manage an all square.

So the back 9 continued come the 12^th hole Bazza was 4 over par and 2 down in the match. Then the par 3 14^th Bazza almost got a hole in one, Nicky, Wayneo, and Booby all right of the flag which treacherous putts. Wayneo putts and ends up down the hill, Bobby putts and ends up down the hill. Nicky putts and ends up pin high 4 foot from the hole. Bobby ends up 4 putting, Wayneo 3 putting. Bazza with a tricker 4 footer down hill birdie putt misses it and Nicky gets his putt and Bazza and Wayneo lose another hole, 3 down with 4 to play. Wayneo by now can’t walk and has to leave Bazza to do it on his own 3 down with 4 to play. Next hole Bazza blobs it and Nicky and Bobby par it so match over a good thrashing 4 & 3 The Englishes march on.

Bazza 35, Nicky 34, Bobby 31, and Wayneo 22 (after 14 holes)

Winner Bazza 35, 2^nd Nicky  34, 3^rd  The Silverback 34

p.s. Not saying that Nicky is slow but the previous group had finished 90 mins earlier. Nicky's golf reflects his school report.  

Chartham Park 6th May 2018

6 of us turned up a lovely day best day of the year, The Essery whom had played all through-out the winter in shocking conditions decided to give it a miss when the weather was splendido.

Group 1 – Stevie L, Vinnie, and Wayneo

Group 2 – Bazza, The Silverback, and Peter Sellers

Group 1

They started off all with good drives down the middle Vinnie being miles down there with only a wedge in for his second only to shank the life out of it and end up somewhere near East Grinstead.

Some decent golf played in this group not by Vinnie as he continued to shank his way round with about 20 shanks. Wayneo had the putting woes and ended up with 44 putts, Stevie L being the only one that managed to play some proper golf.

Stevie L 38, Wayneo 32, Vinnie 28

Group 2

The Silverback blocking a drive right, The Sellers pulling a drive left, and Bazza his usual self, straight down the middle. 2^nd shots The Sellers straight in the drink, The Silverback 142 yards to the pin 7 iron straight in the drink, Bazza 112 yards to the pin pitching wedge safely on back of the green easy par move on.

2^nd hole The Silverback another massive block right, The Sellers bang down the hay, Bazza massive drive left straight in the drink.  Silverback 2^nd shot in greenside bunker, took 2 shots to get out moaned like fuck blobbed hole.  

Come the 3^rd hole par 3 125 yards Bazza 9 iron pin high, The Silverback 8 iron 4 clubs short, Chip thinned to the back of the green, 3 putts another blob. 3 holes played and the Silverback on 1 point, Bazza 2 pars proving once again the superior golfer. Next hole and Bazza melts one down the middle leaving the Silverback a good 30 yards behind not sure how much longer the Silverback can take the humiliation. Bazza and The Sellers could hear the Silverback muttering under his breathe why is my boyfriend not here, I can beat him he is dog shite , I miss my Coulsdon days with him but I must carry on I have to beat his 12 points at Sweetwoods.

End of front 9 Bazza 16 points, The Sellers 14 points, The Silverback 11 points.

By now the Silverback was complaining about his knees and was coming out with more excuses than The Essery on a good day. Whenever he hit a good shot straight down the middle, like he did on the 10^th and even outdrove Bazza for the first time today not a dickie. The next hole the 11^th Bazza outdrove the Silverback by 40 yards and The Sellers was 10 yards in front of Bazza but still no complaint from the Silverback as it was a good drive for his standards.   

Come the par 3 12^th 185 yards to the pin Bazza rescue hits the green left pin high The Sellers a 7 iron short front left bunker The Silverback 3 wood short front left bunker. Bazza walks off with yet another par and the Silverback with yet another bogie. Come the 13^th he had accumulated 16 points which he said was enough to beat his boyfriends 12 points the previous day so he sulked off, back to the clubhouse where he was seen speaking to the club Pro asking for lesson’s and where did it all go wrong !! ! and bemoaning his shagged knees.

Bazza 35, The Sellers 26 and The Silverback 16

Winner Stevie L 38, 2^nd Bazza 35, 3^rd  Wayneo 32    

Pyford 15th April 2018

13 of us turned up at a new course where we had a great deal £25 for bacon roll cup of tea or coffee a round of golf and a beer afterwards. So the groups were sorted out

Group 1 – The Essery, Wayneo, and Vinnie.

Group 2 – The Silverback, Stuie, and Bazza

Group 3 – Cootsie, Jack, and Stuart

Group 4 – The two Jays Jules and Johnny C took on Chick and Sie

Group 1

This was a group where The Essery has proclaimed that he is a better golfer than Wayneo and Vinnie and on a tricky course with loads of water whom would come out on top in this game. The first tee off saw Vinnie and Wayneo smash their drives straight down the hay and The Essery curved his to the right so looking rosie for Vinnie and Wayneo and not so good for The Essery. So how would this match pan out. Wayneo went into meltdown mode and was bemoaning the weather when it started to lash down and even threatened to sell up and move abroad all of this helped his game of course as he blobbed 3 holes on the trot (obviously a fair weather golfer).

After 18 holes sitting outside The Essery with a big grin on his face Wayneo and Vinnie looking like broken men, The Essery proving once again that he is actually the better golfer and that cream does rise to the top on a tricky course fall of water so when the chips are down and when mano o mano the Essery proving that his quality golf will always come through.

Group 2

A good golfing group this one got off to a good start The silverback and Stuie birding the first and Bazza getting a par. The 2^nd hole saw nasty newcs up to his old tricks Bazza in the left bunker with GUR so dropped nearest point of relief no nearer the hole. Bazza on his pre-shot routine gets pulled up by nasty saying that he has to go back to the drop zone. So after the usual argument between Bazza and Nasty  Bazza hits a doggy chip and missus the putt, whereas nasty gets up and down from the deep rough on the right much to Bazza’s annoyance. BTW there wasn’t a drop zone !!! So nasty 1 putted the first, then 1 putted the 2^nd, and continued to get up and down superbly on the front 9. Bazza and Stuie smashing it passed nasty and having loads of birdied putts whilst nasty was coming up short on every hole but got up and down every time. So on to the 9^th hole and the rain started to lash it down. The match very close, The Silverback level par, Stuie, 1 over par and Bazza 2 over par. Stuie and the silverback hit good drives Bazza duffs his drive, then Bazza dumps his 2^nd in the drink, then Bazza dumps his 4^th in the drink and decides to sit the hole out under the comfort of his umbrella. The silverback and Stuie playing their 3^rd short into the par 5 with newcs 207 to the pin with 205 carry over water. He pulls out a 3 wood and hits a worldie over the water to about 10 foot of the pin, misses his birdie but gets an easy par. Stuie hits his 3^rd in the bunker and can only manage a 7. So after 9 Newcs level par, Stuie 3 over and Bazza 5 over. But we all know that the masters starts on the back 9 on Sunday.

10^th hole Stuie bunker on the right, Newcs hits a 6 iron and comes up 2 clubs short, Bazza hits a 6 iron to 8 foot left of the pin. Newcs chips up to 18 foot passed the pin and drains yet another putt for his par. Stuie bogey’s whilst Bazza nails his birdie putt.  The wheels now start to come off for the Silverback. After being miles behind Stuie and Bazza on the drives and getting up and down all the time his short game and putting started to let him down, whereas Stuie and Bazza just kept hitting greens in regulation and were either parring or in Stuies case birding. So come the 16^th and Nasty had realised that Bazza and Stuie had caught him so he tried the old let me see the scorecard trick, which lead to Stuie hitting his worst and only bad drive of the day, Nasty was happy with himself as it lead to a double bogey for Stuie. The 18^th all square all 3 on 36 points Bazza 2 over par Stuie 3 over par and the Silverback 4 over par a complete turnaround from the front 9; who would hold up under pressure. The silverback has previous at collapsing on the 18^th so Stuie and Bazza were quite confidant it was between them and even disgust it whilst walking to the 18^th tee. The silverback steps up and having been outdriven all day by Stuie and Bazza decided to give it a bit extra only to curve it straight into the drink miles on the right. Stuie and Bazza smashing drives straight down the middle. Nasty miles back and hits his 3^rd straight into the woods on the right and was bemoaning his bad luck whilst Stuie and Bazza were laughing and calling him Taggert. So it was now left to the two real golfers Stuie and Bazza; both measured their lay ups and hit irons perfectly down the middle with Stuie hitting a great shot as it was a harder layup than Bazza’a as he had a lot more water to cover. The silverback played his 4^th shot after a drop from the path and again hitting the trees it was very embarrassing but comes out into the middle of the fairway 80 yards short of the green. Bazza then hits his 3^rd making sure that the water on the left doesn’t come in play and goes long and right in the bunker, Stuie does the same and goes long and right. Bazza with a long a treacherous bunker shot with water in play hits it short and stays in the bunker.  Stuie chips to 6 foot. Bazza then chips out of the bunker to 2 foot. Stuie the ultimate competitor nails his 6 footer for par. Bazza gets his 2 footer for a bogey and good enough for the win as he had a better back 9 as was discussed on the 18^th tee. Oh and by the way the hacking silverback got on the green and missed his putt for a blob proving yet once again when the pressure is on on the back 9 that he can’t cope as he was 6 over for the back 9 and Stuie and Bazza were only 3 over.

Group 3

Not much to report on this as not much feedback only to say that Dan went from winner two weeks ago to last place amazing what a couple of weeks and a shed load of alcohol can do to your golf game.

Group 4

This was a match versus the two jays whom had already won a match and the Carshalton boys whom had already lost a match. Who would come out on top? The match sounding pretty decent golf with Johnny C getting 3 birdies in a row and Jules getting 2 birdies in a row to go 4 up against Sie and Chick. They then took their foot off the gas and the match was then closer. The pressure must have got to Chick as he had a meltdown on the 17^th and preceded to go full Basil Fawlty and smash up the tee with his pitching wedge that he turned into a hatchet. Poor Old Sie comes out winning the match but on the losing side again with the 2 jays winning 2 and 1.

Winner Sie 39, 2^nd Bazza 38, 3^rd Stuie 38

First Major 8th April 2018 at The Grove

First Major 8th April 2018 at The Grove

16 of us turned up on a very wet and miserable day which basically reflected the last 6 months in the UK, but everyone apart from the silverback was in high spirits. I think we need to rename the silverback the drama queen as it took 4 of his fellow lickers most of the morning to persuade him to come out to play and stop being a diva.

The groups were 1st group was the match of the heavy weights with two of the longer hitters in the lickers playing against the two shortest hitters, who would win this one power or finesse?

Group 2 was Bazza and Wayneo v Sie and Chick. A match of the consistent Giles Bros v the massive hitting Sie and the normally Mr Laser Chickie.

Group 3 was The two Jay’s Johnny and Jules versus The Englishes Bobby and Nick.

Group 4 was Stevie L and Ian v Phil and Jez

Group 1

This was a real grudge match with an extra spice thrown in where The Essery and Vinnie were playing for 50 big ones to finally see who was the biggest spastic between them, after Vinnie laying down the gauntlet to the Essery, after being harangued for so long by the Essery that he was the better golfer.

So who would win the doubles Stuie and Vinnie being hot favourites especially after the drama queens state of mind and of course Stuie and Vinnie came out on top winning 1 up. Vinnie also won his match against the Essery and that was with Vinnie blobbing 9 holes so some quality golf going on in that match then!!!

Group 2

This started off well with some good golf between all 4 on the first hole and then Sie birdies the 2nd hole to go 1 up, and Wayneo pars the 3rd hole stroke index 1 to go level. Then Sie and Chick begin to pull away thanks to some good golf from Sie and shocking putting from Bazza and Wayneo.  Bazza and Wayneo fought back to win 2&1 on the 17th so the Giles bros victorious a good comeback after last week’s defeat.

Group 3

This was won by Johnny C and Jules 1 up with Nicky playing a trick shot on the 18th that Tiger himself would have been proud of.

Group 4

Stevie L and Ian took on Phil and Jezzie for £20 per man and Stevie and Ian won the match and took the money.

Summary

So the winner of the first major was Bobby 34 points, Johnny C came 2^nd with 32 points and Wayneo took 3^rd spot on 31 points.

Longest Drive – Vinnie

Nearest to Pin – The Essery

The booby prize going to Chick on 18 points sparing the blushes of the Essery who came 2nd from last as he got the booby prize last year at the Belfry.

Based on the bad weather around early April we are going to move next year’s 1st Major until Mid May when we stand half a chance of actually having some decent weather.  

Congratulations to our new Major champion Bobby the Dazzler English

Croham Hurst 29th October 2017

A great turn out 12 of us for the last day of the WL league with much anticipation of who was going to win Super Stuie or Nasty Newcs.

So the first group out was Stuie and Vinnie who took on the Silverback and Stevie L in match play so two matches in one being played. This first hole started very nervously for the two contenders with the Silverback pushing one into the trees on the right and Stuie duffing his first about 80 years up the left. The only decent drive was hit by Vinnie who had nothing to play for expect his grudge match against TMWCBN. So the match went on and rumours on the course were that Vinnie and the Silverback who were sharing a buggy we bickering like an old married couple and Stuie and Stevie L were just happy to be walking away from the two moaning Minnie’s. Then the silverback had his usual problems with the group in front being too slow and decided to whack a drive right up them, typical silverback no wonder they call him Mr etiquette.

The silverback has a new swing and it was making the Jelly's look steady and good, even Len Goodman would be impressed. 

Stuie and Vinnie were 1 down with 3 to play. Then on the par 3 16th Vinnie did a miraculous chip al la Seve to get back to levels. Then on the 17th Vinnie sunk an 8 foot par putt to go dormie 1. Stevie L and the Silverback won the 18th to half the match. 

Final Scores It was a draw in the match which was amazing considering the combined scores Stuie and Vinnie 67 against Silverback and Stevie L 60. Stuie and Vinnie remain undefeated

Vinnie 37, Stuie 30, The Silverback 33, Stevie L 27.  

Second group out nothing to play for in the league so it was Match Play for the bragging rights at the end of the season. Johnny C and Bazza took on The Essery and The Sellers. A very tough match as Johnny C and Bazza were giving TMWCBN 8 shots and the Sellers 14 shots. So the match started and Johnny C 3 putted the first for a bogey 5, Bazza was in for 5 and The Essery was down for 6, so The Sellers had a 6 foot par putt and had 2 putts for the hole only to 3 putt hole halved Johnny and Bazza dodged a bullet. 2^nd hole and again Johnny C could have won the hole with a 2 putt but 3 putted again. This was the pattern on the front 9 and TMWCBN and the Sellers went 2 up. Come the 9^th and Johnny C chips in from the back of the green for a par and to win the hole. All square on the front 9. Bazza having to hole lots of 8 foot putts just for a halve to keep them in it on the front 9. Johnny C said that he would do all the damage on the back 9 and was true to his word. Bazza only 1 point after 3 holes and Johnny boy keeping us in it as we go 1 up. Bazza and Johnny now 1 up coming to  the 14^th and Bazza wins the hole to go 2 up. Bazza birdies the 15^th and The Sellers has a 5 foot par putt to halve the hole and not lose the match. He nails it and onto the next hole par 3 16^th downhill 220 yards to the pin. Johnny C nails a rescue in the air for ages and comes up 1 yard short of the green. Bazza changes his original selection from 4 iron to 3 wood after seeing Johnny C come up short. Bazza nails it flies the bunkers and lands 18 foot from the pin. The Sellers has a melt down and shanks his shot into the woods. TMWCBN steps up knowing they have to halve the hole or win it to stay in the match. After seeing what Bazza and Johnny C hit what club would he choose, and to Johnny C and Bazza’a surprise it was a 6 iron they both muttered thank f**k for that he won’t get on with that club and low and behold he comes up 30 yards short of the green. TMWCBN chips up to about 20 foot of the pin, takes his 3^rd shot and comes up 2 foot short. Bazza without a shot, has an 18 foot birdie putt to win the match and bragging rights for the whole of the winter, lines up and nails it match won, all over thanks very much lads it’s been a pleasure.

Final Scores Match won by Portugal 2017 Champ Johnny C and Fox 2017 Champ Bazza 3&2.

Bazza 36, Johnny C 33, TMWCBN 35, and The Sellers 31.

Last group out saw Bobby and Nicky take on Cootsie and Harry. Some serious big hitters in this group who would come out on top. After 8 holes Harry and Cootsie were 3 up. Cootsie had been having trouble with his putting and missed a lot of 2 footers. Come the end of the match and Cootsie and Harry had taking out the Englishes 1 up almost a great comeback but not quite

Final Scores Match won by Cootsie and Harry 1 up.

Bobby 37, Nicky 26, Cootsie 29, Harry 34

Final scores for the day

Winner Bobby 37,  2^nd Vinnie 37,  and 3^rd Bazza 36.

This means that the overall winner for the WL season was Stuie on 409 points, with The Silverback 2^nd on 402 points.

The final presentations will take place Friday 1^st Dec 2017 when el campeone is back from Tenerife.

Surrey Downs 22nd October 2017

The penultimate round of the year.

We started with 9 of us for Sunday then Vinnie turned up to make 10 so we sorted the groups out.

First group was Super Stuie, Brilliant Bazza, and Very Suicidal Vinnie.  

Second group out was Chick, Stevie L and Jack.

Third group out was TMWCBN, Bobby, Wayneo and Nicky.

But wait on the tee with the first group just teeing off and TMWCBN gets a phone call from his boyfriend. After a lot of love you, miss you, and kisses, the Silverback decided he was going to turn up and play and was about 15 mins away and wanted Vinnie to hold on for him to share his buggy. We have never seen Vinnie move so quickly in our life that buggy went from 0 to 60 in about .00001 of a second as he shot off down the fairway saying “no way is that %$^&*(£$* playing with me and sharing my buggy”.

So the last group had the Silverback join up as Nicky was nowhere to be seen. Nicky eventually turns up and joined the first group on the 4^th green.

1^st group were playing good golf with Stuie doing all the damage looking like a champion with his short game the best we have ever seen. He must have had 10 easy birdie putts none converted but did a few 1 putt pars. Vinnie just desperate to play some decent golf and didn’t want to get beat again by TMWCBN. Bazza just not bothered and along for the ride, and Nicky couldn’t really expect too much as he missed the first 4 holes. So come the 18^th and Stuie already on 36 points, Bazza on 34 points after a birdie on the 17^th to close the gap with Stuie. Stuie desperate for the win and the 5 bonus points, and a bit worried that Bazza could pip him. Shouldn’t really have worried as both Bazza and Stuie layed up, with Stuie 105 yards in for his 3^rd and Bazza 90 yards in for his third. Stuie hits it to about 12 foot but long and off the green, Bazza lines up his shot and duffs it straight in the drink. Stuie nails the 12 foot birdie putt and Bazza blobs the hole. Vinnie has a 15 foot birdie putt misses and gets his par.  Nicky is still out there playing the hole so not sure of his score J

Steve, Chick & Jack

Jack hadn’t played the Golf Course before and being new to the game (we all know what that feels like) he did struggle on the first 9 holes scoring only 7 points. It’s difficult to coach or provide tips as most of the time we don’t know what we are doing ourselves but both Chick and I did what we could to encourage and it seems to pay off as the back 9 he was rewarded with a very respectful 19 points scoring on every hole so very well done. He seemed very shocked to see my SAND WEDGE laying flat in a bunker addressing the ball. But with a little belief he copied my approach and popped the ball out of the bunker.

Chick played his normal steady game, driving well (only one loose one) but his chipping from 100 yards in is sublime.

Me I seem to like playing in the wind and I drove the ball really well and straight for a change. Over all I was really pleased with how I played, irons good chipping seems to be my nemesis.

Game played in good spirits the weather was exceptional for this time of year so may it continue.

Tip for next season: Learn how to score …………….

Chick 37, Steve 35 & Jack 26

Winner Stuie 39 points second Chick 37 points 3^rd Stevie L 35 points

So going into the last round of the year Stuie has now overtaken the silverback with his 39 points and 5 bonus points and is now 7 shots ahead as the Silverback only managed 34 which couldn’t better his worse score. As things lie The top ten scores for both Stuie and the silverback

The Silverback has to better his worse score of 35 by 3 shots and hope to win the last match and Stuie to not better his worse score of 34 and not be placed in the top 3 so no bonus points.

Stuie just has to beat the Silverback next week or hope he doesn’t better his worse score and win Stuie to not be placed.

Woldingham 15th October 2017

A good turn out today at Woldingham that was in excellent condition and the greens were superb. Having played Coulsdon the day before there wasn’t any comparison Woldingham killed it.

1^st group out was the Portugal grudge re-match. The two wronguns The Silverback and the Man who can’t be named took on Super Stuie and Veracious Vinnie. Also Vinnie who has basically been dog shite all year had a separate match with TMWCBN. The Silverback moaned his way around the whole course to the frustration of Vinnie who not only is battling his golf demons had to contend with a Neanderthal who had a man period. The silverback up to his old tricks as he was himself playing dog shite golf did his best to put Vinnie off by throwing a ball at him on his back swing. So the reality was it was Super Stuie V TMWCBN in the match. With 3 holes remaining it was Dormie 3 for Stuie and Vinnie, so a near impossibility for them not to win the match. But in good fighting sprite The Silverback actually won the 16^th and TMWCBN won the 17^th to take it down the 18^th. With TMWCBN over the back of the green for 3 and Stuie lying in pole position on the 18^th green it was odds on for a victory to the nice guys. But wait TMWCBN hit his chip shot a la Mickelson flopped it miles in the air for it to come down soft and 25 foot short of the pin rolling downhill towards the hole. It was tracking on line Stuie and Vinnie watching anxiously as it tumbled towards the hole, The silverback starting to salivate at the mouth and got a semi on, as it went in the hole a birdie for TMWCBN. Stuie and Vinnie crest fallen The silverback jumping around the green like a monkey possessed. End of match all square the great come back of all come backs, hand shakes all around; but no wait!!! Vinnie was f#ing and Jeffing  ##@;;@@ not happy with the lack of sportsmanship shown by the Silverback and of course not too happy about TMWCBN chipping in basically said ###@@@;; you pair of wronguns and was off high tailed down the A22 and back home to the comfort of his home cursing the two Neanderthals.

2^nd group out was Chick, Dan, and Stevie L. Chick playing his usual steady self and Stevie L ripping up the front 9 with Dan suffering on 11 points after 9. Come the 10^th hole and a massive hold up Chick had already driven his ball centre of the fairway. Dan then stepped up and hooked it OOB and then threw his club as it hurdled through the air it was heart in mouth Dan praying that it would land on the grass only for it to land on the path as it tumbled down the path was it broken or not? Dan now a fully paid up member of the WL’s we have dragged him down to our level.

3^rd group out was Bazza, Jules, and Sie. Bazza and Sie resuming their summer matches which was lying all square. Bazza started off well with 3 pars and quickly going 2 up only for Sie to come back. Coming up to the 17^th Bazza was dormie 2 and closed the match out with a missed 5 foot birdie putt but got the par for a 3&1 victory showing Stuie and Vinnie how to actually close out a match. So Bazza now 1 up.  Jules was just there for the ride didn’t play well for him and only came in with 20 points.

Winner Super Stuie 37 (Countback)

2^nd The Essery 37

3^rd Chick 35 points

Just another normal Sunday for the WL’s, and nothing too much to report, with Dan and Vinnie showing us why we are named what we are named.

It’s now very interesting in the league with a couple of weeks to go with Stuie’s win that takes him only 3 points away from The Silverback and all to play for.

A little note has to be mentioned for the hottest golfer on the planet at the moment TMWCBN who has hit a purple patch and is looking unstoppable if this was the start of the year he would be hot favourite for the league but golf is a marathon not a sprint and normally is won by the lowest handicappers and the better golfers hence why it  is between Super Stuie and Nasty Newks.  

Shirley Park 8th October 2017

Shirley Park was the host of this weeks outing for the wl league. 7 members made the day. With Wayneo Johhny C Jack and Bob making uo the first 4 ball and the essery, Nicky and Pete Sellers making up the 3 ball.

Wayneo Johnny C, bob and Jake set off on the first tee. However Jake struggled for the first few holes trying to find his tempo. Bobby was belting the drive country mile bt was a little wild whilst wayneo and johnny c were steady not getting into to much trouble.

The greens were a little tricky but rolled superbly. Apparently the one who cannot be named strugled on one green with a six putt. inevitably this lead to the green being abused. Obviously a behaviour learnt from the missing Bazza. Guys its not the greens fault its you! Learn to putt.

on the sixth stroke index 1 bobby hit a tray drive into the trees almost out of bounds. the second shot was duffed followed by a third left short. However a chip in saved the par. Luckily the score cards do not show how you get the score however the match reports do! Onto the 7th and bobby once again in the trees chipped onto the green and held a 20 footer for the par!

Johnny C had his share of bad luck hitting his ball into a bush. an amazing shot with a 3 wood saw the ball out of the bush with club in tact.

Wayneo hit a superb drive down the last middle of the fairway only to lose not only the ball but the match. How can a ball disappear of the fairway.

Final scores Essery 33 Wayneo and Johnny C 32 with Wayneo taking 2nd on countback 

North Downs 1st October 2017

9 of us turned up to a course recommended by Cootsie (who didn’t turn up himself) so it could have been a wind up on his part to get us to play it. So as there were 9 we had to do 3 3 balls so no matches.

1^st group Vinnie, Johnny C and the man who can’t be named went out.

2^nd Group was Wayneo, Stevie L and Chick

3^rd Group was Bazza, Sie, and The Silverback. Bazza and Sie continuing with their summer match play matches.

The Silverback had a shocker on the front 9 hitting shots all over the place limping like a raspberry and was about 8 over par after 4 holes. He had about 6 points on the front 9 and lasted until about the 11^th where he called it a day blaming his bad golf on his missus for some reason. So Sie and Bazza continued on their own. Come the 12^th hole and we were playing blind golf it was so foggy, basically just hitting the ball straight and hoping to find the ball somewhere up the fairway. Sie started to play his best golf when he was blind and on a very tough hole he hit a 4 iron and a 9 iron at no point knowing where he was going and when we got to the green found his ball 3 foot from the hole. He got the birdie putt that put him 3 up in the match with Bazza. He finished it off at the 16^th with a chip in from high up on the bank on the par 3 for par and a 4&2 win. Match now all square between Bazza and Sie.  

A few of the “Non Men” walked off and didn’t complete the round due to the bad weather but only the real men amongst us finished. The only ones to finish were Johnny C, The man who can’t be named, Bazza and Sie, the rest were just wimps.

Winner The Essery 37, 2^nd Sie 36, 3^rd Bazza 28

Farleigh 24th September 2017

8 of us arrived at Farleigh and the teams were decided. First group was The unbeatables Chick and Stevie L took on Sie and Vinnie (smashed by Wayneo and Bazza the week before).

2^nd group Jules and Wayneo took on Bobby and Bazza

Group 1 match report

Group 2 match report

1^st hole and Bobby and Bazza both 3 putt to lose the hole to Wayneo’s 2 putt from long range. So 1 up to Jules and Wayneo after the first hole.

2^nd hole Bobby lost his ball and Bazza had a 10 foot putt for birdie to win the hole only to go 8 foot past still had a putt to win the hole only to miss 2 holes 2 3 putts hole halved.

3^rd hole Bobby and Bazza both par hole won all square.

Come the 7^th hole and Bobby and Bazza had turned it around dovetailing superbly and were 1 up. Bobby then nails a birdie putt to go 2 up.

End of front 9 and Bobby and Bazza were crushing 3 up with Bobby doing most of the damage whilst Bazza was 3 putting nearly every green but they were shocking and impossible to get the pace right.

10^th Hole Bobby with an eagle putt Bazza with a birdie putt, Bobby races it 8 foot passed, Bazza lips out for Birdie only for the pair of them to 3 putt again hole halved.

11^th Hole and Bobby smashes one over the back of the green only a 280 yard carry Hole halved.

12^th hole par 5 and Bobby curves one massively right, with Bazza Jules and Wayneo all middle of the fairway. Bobby finds his ball in the jungle and has 230 yards to the green Bazza trying to talk him out of going for it to lay up Bobby says no I’m taking a rescue, Bazza and Jules saying no chance only to look in the air and see the ball land on the green amazing golf shot, but Bobby 3 putts again and Bazza pars so Bobby and Bazza go 4 up.

14^th hole and Bazza nails the birdie putt and Bobby pars game over thanks lads it was a pleasure all the damage done on the par 3’s with Bobby -1 for his round on the par 3’s and Bazza level par for his round on the par 3’s.

Bobby and Bazza worthy winners 6&4.  

Winner Chick 37, 2^nd Bobby 36, 3^rd Stevie L 35

Surrey Downs 17th September 2017

8 of us turned up for the first match after Portugal nice to get back to an easy course after the difficult courses in Portugal. Surrey Downs is normally a course in very good condition with very good greens albeit a little bit on the short side meaning that most people should score well just the tonic after Portugal.

Match 1 The Undateables The Silverback, and The man who can’t be named took on Chick and Stevie L.

Match 2 Bazza and Wayneo took on Sie and Vinnie, Bazza and Sie continued with their summer matches with at this point was all square.

Match 1 Report from Stevie L

Chick and I took on the untouchables today. After winning the first two holes to go 2 up we never looked back. Chick played really well but there is no I in team and we dovetailed really well, lots of encouragement and fist pumping. I think it worked as they surrendered on the 17th when Chick nailed his putt. Andy N showed his class Andy E although battling a few demons out there came in with a respectable 35 points but today just wasn't THEIR day. A firm handshake from Andy N's in the 19th nearly crushing our bones. 

Chick 39, Steve 36, Andy N 37, Andy E 35

Match 2 report

The match started well with the usual banter. Bazza and Wayneo playing real mans golf smashing drivers off of every tee whilst Vinnie and Sie were playing girls golf taking irons off most tees on the front 9 (mind you they are a pair of irons). They actually named themselves homo 1 and homo 2.

The front 9 was a good match and was all square after 9 holes and this was after Bazza and Wayneo going 2 down and Bazza 2 down in the Sie match also. The back 9 came and Bazza and Wayneo just turned the screws and coming to the 16^th were dormie 3. Then game over on the 16^th with a 4 & 2 victory for Bazza and Wayneo and the same score with the match Bazza versus Sie so Bazza goes 1 up. Time to relax for the last two holes with Wayneo coming in par, par, Bazza birdie, par, and the two girlies trying to plays men’s golf and smashing their drives miles wide on the 18^th but Vinnie managing to find his ball and fluke a par.

Wayneo 39, Bazza 38, Vinnie 33, Sie 29.

Winner Chick 39, (Countback), 2^nd Wayneo 39, 3^rd Bazza 38

Croham Hurst 3rd Sept 2017

A good turn out today with 13 of us, and Jezzie making up the guest member. Groups were 1^st Vinnie and Stuie took on the unlikeables The Silverback and the man who can’t be named; 2^nd group was Stevie L, Chick, and Pete; 3^rd group was Bazza, and the two short hitters Harry and Sie; 4^th group was Jezzie, Bob and Dan (isn’t Bob and Danny rhyming slang?)

So the 1^st group had a Pre-Portugal match and during the round the silverback managed his first ever ace at the 5^th hole with the man who can’t be named getting a birdie so 8 points on one hole. It didn’t really count for much in the match as the match was a draw. A little bit of niggle between this foresome over a 2 ½ foot gimmie but again boys that’s why I keep saying don’t give gimmies and there won’t be any issues!! Stuie looking forward to taking on the unlikeables in Portugal on Friday.

Group 2 Stevie, Chick and Peter

I have to say what a civilized round of Golf, that’s why we take the trouble to play this game to spend our afternoons with genuine nice people, even the rain didn’t dampen our spirits.

Not much to report all be it Stevie was driving the ball like a demon, Chicks wedge play was awesome and Peter’s putting was superb, if only we could take bits from each player.

Lots of near misses ooh’s are arr’s Steve chipped in a 30 foot birdie with his trusty 8 iron instead of using his wedge. Plenty of encouragement throughout the match, plenty of points left out on the course but the odd great shot here and there that brings you back next time.

The 18^th was met with firm sincere gentleman handshakes and a well deserved beverage afterwards in the 19^th hole.

Steve 34, Chck 31 and Peter 32

In the 3^rd group Bazza and Sie had another match as part of their Summer matches of the elite golfers and Sie managed to beat Bazza on the 17^th making the matches go all square. Sie much relived especially after the last match having to birdie the 18^th to go all square and then halving the match in a play off hole where both of us got birdies. Harry and Sie had a pretty tough day having to watch Bazza smash his drives pass them by 60 yards every hole I recommend the pair of them get down that gym. Harry had a bit of an educational learning the rhyming slang that Bazza and Sie were throwing at him.

The fourth group wasn’t going too well as when we looked back from the first green we saw Jez had duffed his drive about 100 yards up the fairway, Dan was on the driving range and Bobby was nowhere to be seen. Every time we looked back one of them was in the woods. So we are on the 4^th green par 4 putting out and we hear a shout of FOUR !!!! and we see a ball whistle over our heads and into the rough at the back of the green, WTF was Dustin Johnson doing playing the 3^rd hole at Croham. Now Bobby being the gent he is apologised for nearly killing us hardly his fault I mean it was a par 4 and Jez and Dan convinced him that he wouldn’t make the green.

So as we are sitting in the club house The old silverback pleased as punch with his Ace, the man who can’t be named pleased as punch as sitting in the lead at this point on 37 points. Bazza pleased not quite as much as the other two was sitting in 2^nd place on 35 points. The rumour had it out  on the course from Jezzie that the last group were all playing shit so we thought happy days they won’t beat us!!! Cootsie came in bemoaning about how he was way too pissed the night before and would actually like to play golf sober. We checked the front 9 and for the first 4 holes the 3 could bearly muster 10 points between them, but Dan came in with not a bad score 32 , Jezzie 37 points, and Bobby 40 points with 24 on the back nine, so the man who can’t be named went from 1^st to 3^rd and Bazza to 4^th.   

Winner Bobby 40, 2^nd Jez 37, and 3^rd The Essery 37 on count back 

Gatton Manor 20th August 2017

10 of us turned up to play Gatton with the elite golfers going out in the first group. Bazza the reigning fox major champ, with the current Lickers leader Stuie and Vinnie (Shit Second Shot) Painey.

2^nd group The Silverback, Stevie L, and Little Legs. The silverback hoping for a better day after his woeful showing at Addington Palace on Friday.

Last group was Cootsie, Ross, Wayneo, and “The man who can’t be named”

Well a good day had by all; not really too much to report as everyone was well behaved. The man who can’t be named actually behaved himself, and that lead to him playing some great golf and even shot his 3rd best round of the year. So a well behaved golfer leads to a well played round and according to Cootsie he was a pleasure to play with long may it continue.

The silverback played great golf tee to green and it was only the fact that he had 54 putts that stopped him from scoring well (at least that’s what he said). So another poor showing not looking good for Portugal unless something changes. Apparently the silverback moaned from the first hole to the 18^th about the greens, I think he fails to realise it’s the same for everyone.   

Stuie played some impressive golf again showing just why he is the leader of the pack, Bazza didn’t live up to the standards of Addington Palace and Vinnie SSS well if his 2^nd shots were like his drives he could have gone round in level par.  

Cootsie with his usual steady eddie round with 35 points after being worse for wear after too many sherbets the night before. Poor old Ross coming in last on 21 points showed some fine form with some good shots but just lacks the match practise. It’s obvious given more time on the GC Ross will be a good golfer.

Since Ross has now completed 3 rounds which is normally when we work out the handicap it is obvious that he can’t play to an 18 at the moment. So we are going to put him up to 24 so as he can be competitive, as the current system of going up .1 will not help him.

First place Stuie 36, 2^nd Cootsie 35, Third Stevie L 33.

Surrey Downs 13th August 2017

10 of us turned up on Sunday at Surrey Downs one day before they hollow-tine the greens and the course was in superb condition the greens were excellent.

1^st Group out was Bazza, Johnny C, and Sie

2^nd Group out was Pete, Stevie L, and Wayneo

3^rd Group was Bobby, Nick, Stuie, and The Silverback

1^st group out was seen as the elite of golfers and this was proved by Johnny C and Sie unfortunately 3 stabbing Bazza didn’t live up to the bill. Johnny C putted like Stuie last week (what is it with these lefties). At the turn Johnny was struggling only level par with 24 points. Sie doing well to keep him honest with 19 points but just didn’t putt like Jordan Cashin. Bazza 3 stabbing and missing all putts with 17 points on the front. Bazza doing his best to get into Johnny C’s head by reminding him on the 9^th tee, that he was level par and again on the 10^th tee. Appeared to have worked as Johnny C blobbed the 10^th were we going to witness another Johnny Collapsing?  Unfortunately not as he birdied the 11^th.   Some good golf played and Simon must get down that Gym with his pathetic length off the tee just shows how bad he was even Bazza drove the same distance as him on the 18^th (ok so he pitched it in the bunker and lost 50 yards). Best was to come on the 18^th Bazza stiffed his 3^rd to 18 inches, Sie almost held out for an eagle, and Jordan Cashin was left 25 foot downhill. So Bazza easy birdie Jordan Cashin drained his 25 footer for birdie pressure all on Sie and he pushed his 4 foot birdie putt after having to step off the putt two times as Bazza and Jordan were giggling like a couple of girls and put him right off.   Sie now looking for a couple of sportsmen to go out with especially as Bazza and Jordan were taking the piss out of him at the 17^th  after he drove pin high but just off the green and then duffed his chip. Still not on the green and he really struggled for a par.  

Final scores Johnny C 43, Sie 37 and Bazza 33

2^nd Group was Stevie L, Pete, and Wayneo

Wayneo to fill in match report

3^rd Group out was Bobby and Nick versus Stuie and The silverback

This was a revenge match for the Silverback as when he went out with Bazza he got well beat by Bobby and Nicky, now he had a better golfer as in Stuie as a partner how could he fail against little legs and El Bandito.

Coming to the turn The Silverback was 1 over par and Stuie was 1 over par surely at last The Silverback could taste victory but no they were 1 down. So it come down to the 16^th The silverback and Stuie were 2 down and the Silverback 3 putted for his 3^rd 3 putt on the spin to lose the match to Bobby and Nicky 3&2. The Silverback went into mini meltdown as he was muttering to himself about how he could putt better down Malpit lane park. So bragging rights and money again went to Bobby and Nicky or did it as Stuie knocked Nicky for the fiver. That’s not like Stuie he has never had a reputation for being tight !!!!

When the last group came in about 2 hours later Nicky accusing the Silverback of being the slow one. The Silverback wasn't happy with the amount of putts Nicky was draining and said "If we were playing football I would have headbutted the c**t" 

Winner Johnny C 43, second Simon 37, and third Nicky 37 on count back.

Chartham Park 6th August 2017

9 of us turned up to play with the course looking in superb condition. Bazza confused this day with a WL major as when he arrived Johnny C, Stevie L, The Essery and The Silverback were all on the driving range hitting balls blimey lads taking this all a bit seriously aren’t we.

Pre Match report Warning

It is with much regret that I have to inform you all that I am not allowed to mention The Essery anymore in the match reports as whilst out on the course yesterday when his round wasn’t  going to plan he mentioned to Johnny C how unhappy he was at the amount of stick that he has been getting from Bazza and if the annoying c**t says anything after the round then he is going to knock him out. He said he is very upset and taking it all personally and he is getting too much personal abuse from Bazza and is not feeling the love. Now in my defence he comes out with a load of old bollox so sets himself up for abuse and he is the worlds worse at giving it; so when you give it you have to take it. But to quote the gambling advert “when the fun stops STOP”, so obviously the fun has stopped for the Essery and he genuinely is upset so I will have to leave to poor sod alone. Shame because he gave me loads of material yesterday.  Anyway on to my next victim now who do I hate more than the Essery and who deserves the most abuse!! oh it has to be the dirty cheating Silverback.

First group out was Bazza, Stuie, and Vinnie

Bazza went in the buggy with Vinnie as his carrots and peas still aren’t getting any better. First 3 all hit superb long drives down the first having the groups behind commentating on the good drives and none of us were on the range 4 hours earlier. We all had 105 yards in for the 2^nd shot Bazza pulled it into the bunker Vinnie pin high and Stuie at the back of the green. Stuie and Vinnie 2 putt pars and Bazza a bogey not a bad start. 2^nd hole good drives down the middle for Stuie and Bazza Vinnie pulls it but comes up short of the water so has to chip out sideways. Stuie duffs his 2^nd, Bazza thins his 2^nd over the green, then chips over the green into another bunker 2 holes two bunkers. Stuie and Vinnie play good 3^rd shots in and both 2 putt for bogeys, Bazza up and down from bunker for a bogey. On the 6^th hole Vinnie almost got hit by a ball by Stevie (oh so long) L, Vinnie was not a happy bunny. Then as Vinnie and Bazza were driving off the green almost got hit again by “The man we can’t name” and Vinnie was losing it threaten to fire the balls back at the boys behind. Stuie was hitting his new £500 driver superbly and putting his new Spider putter very well, as the round went on he just got better and better and by the 9^th he had a 20 foot birdie putt with loads of brake and nailed it whilst Vinnie and Bazza missed 5 foot par putts. Stuie was putting in a bit of a putting display as he goes out in 4 over par. Back 9 Bazza sick of bunkers by now all 3 hit great drives down the 10^th Bazza 2^nd shot pulls it straight into the left green side bunker. 11^th hole another 3 good drives but Bazza and Vinnie blocked out on the left. Vinnie duffs his 2^nd Bazza lays up perfect to 100 yards. Stuie nearly on in two. Vinnie has 160 yards and creams an 8 iron very unlucky break and kicks into the right bunker. Bazza 100 yards piss easy shot and pushes it straight into the same bunker as Vinnie f** me Bazza pissed off with going in nearly every bunker on the course. Stuie has a down hill 20 foot birdie putt and nails it, Vinnie straight on his phone to Bill Woodmans and puts in his order for a Spider putter. Stroke index one Vinnie curves it straight into the water Stuie smashes a massive drive with Bazza 20 yards behind. Vinnie duffs his 2^nd and then hits his 3^rd straight into the water greenside. Bazza doesn’t go flag hunting aims at middle of the green and yes you’ve guessed it pulls it straight into the left bunker and has a mini meltdown. Stuie hits the green and 3 putts. 15^th hole Stuie and Bazza hit massive drives up the middle with Vinnie 40 yards back on the right and can’t see the flag. Vinnie has 190 yards and hits a 6 iron to 5 foot only Stuie could see the shot as Bazza and Vinnie couldn’t see the flag. Bazza has 150 hits a 7 iron to 6 foot. Stuie says f**k me chaps I need to get inside those and hits his shot to 10 foot. Stuie 10 foot downhill birdie putt and nails it. Bazza 6 foot piss easy uphill birdie putt and pulls it, Vinnie 5 foot birdie putt and nails it not bad 2 birdies and a par. 18 hole hard to see as straight into a low sun Vinnie birdies, Bazza par, and Stuie 3 putts for a bogey to come home level par.

Stuie 29 putts with two 3 putts and 9 one putts very happy with the first round with his new putter and even more happy to have beaten his main rival the Silverback off of levels. Bazza went in more bunkers that camper sands, and Vinnie was either superb or shite think we should start calling him boom or bust.

Final scores Stuie 42, Bazza 32, Vinnie 30.

2nd group out was Johnny C, Stevie L, and “The man we can’t name”

I am afraid that due to legal obligation I can’t mention what Johnny C and Stevie L told me

Final scores Stevie L 42, Johnny C 29, “The man we can’t name” 25

3^rd Group

The Silverback, Little Legs, and Bobby

This group was seriously lagging behind the pace. Now let’s be honest with Nicky in it, what do you expect. The Silverback came over to Stuie and complained about someone smashing up a green not sure who he was talking about as we didn’t see any greens smashed up. The silverback was yet again moaning about Nicky and Bobby’s handicap after 3 holes, so again Bobby has to throw in a few bad holes just to keep the Silverback happy. When Bazza, Stuie, and Vinnie come off the 9^th we saw the Silverback deep in the woods on the left miles off line not sure what he was doing in there.  As the last group came off of the 18^th it was kicking off with the Silverback accusing Little Legs of having a 7 and not a 6 as Nicky had claimed. Nicky and Bobby had a recheck and little legs did in fact have a 6, it transpired that both Nicky and the Silverback both had 36 points hence whilst the dirty cheating Silverback was trying it on nasty Newcs by name....

Final scores Nicky 36, The Silverback 36, Bobby 31.

So back at the clubhouse and the Silverback was moaning about the greens and how hard they were to putt on, and when he found out that his best mate Stuie had 42 points he wasn’t happy and was very disingenuous to Stuie, accusing him of duck hooking all his drives again nasty newcs showing the lack of sportsman he is; instead of congratulating Stuie he was slagging him off. We couldn’t expect anything else from the silverback. I suppose the only thing worse that he could have done was to have turned up and not paid.

Winner Stuie 42, Second Stevie L 42, Third Nicky 36

Another fun packed Sunday in the WL league

30th July 2017 Reigate Hill

In Bazza's absence, Essery offered to book this weeks golf. As he had some vouchers for Reigate Hill This was the chosen venue.. I'm sure as a member of Coulsdon We could have got a good deal at Coulsdon but no Reigate was the chosen venue.

Si felt obliged to inform the team that He had played Reigate on Thursday and it was shit. This information waas conveyed to the organiser Essery who stated oh well its the same for everyone and its only a tenner.

Obvously not heading the shite conveyed to Bazza about traditions we went against the advive and played Reigate.

We set off on the first tee Vinny and Si were in the first group sharing a buggy with Essery making up the third. Wayneo Stuey, and Newcs were in the following group with Nicky Steveo and Colin the mechanic following behind.

What can I say. The first green was absolute dog shite many 3 putting and Wayneo following on from the portugal win 4 putting..

The second par 3 did not fair well with piles of sand around the green in case there was not enough. 

Newcs felt he had to keep quite about the situation as it was his boyfriend that had booked the course. Finally though the greens got to Newcs he stamped the hole on the 9th. Much to Nicks disgust who stated that "anyone who trashes a green should be docked 4 points"  sound familiar?

Poor Si lost the will to live as Vinnie and Essery went all 18 holes slagging each other off. Vinnie lost the plot after Newcs fired his drive up his arse.

Nicky demonstrated his excellent short game by playing the same shot on the 16th into the trees not once not twice but 4 times. Only to find his first take a drop and then put it on the green.

The round being an early tee off took for ever waiting on every shot. So the earlier tee off meant we were back at the clubhouse - well about the same time as usual.

the course was shite to the end with a the 17th tee box out of action and a temporary tee in place. Wayneo made and executive decision to play the hoe of the ladies instead. What golf course does major tee repairs in the height of the golf season. In addition to fucking up the greens. Poor show Reigate Hill.

Final scores were Newcs 39, Steveo 38 and Stuey 35.

I dont think we'll let essery book again!!!!!!!

Traditions - 16/07/2017

8 of us turned up to Traditions to brave the tough course. Unfortunately it was in terrible condition but it was the same for everyone. The greens looked shocking but they actually rolled ok. There was a discussion at the beginning as to who should go out with whom and who would draw the short straw and would have to go out with the two Neanderthals. Stuie was very keen to go out with the Silverback as he knew traditions was a tough course and as the Silverback has played so much golf with his boyfriend recently he said he was there for the taking. So first group out was Stuie, The Silverback, Vinnie, and Wayneo.  Bazza not too happy to go out with the Essery as the Essery always walks off and threatens to walk off after the first hole; a point Bazza did point out to the Essery which he replied “yeh I always threaten to walk off but never do”. I beg to differ as he walked off at Coulsdon after 9 holes not sure why he was only 21 over par!!

First group was a match between Stuie, The Silverback against Vinnie and Wayneo. Vinnie started off with a 3 wood for safety only to push it miles OOB which had everyone in stitches. Wayneo smashed one straight down the middle showing everyone why he was the Portuguese Open champion. It transpired that the match was so one way that Vinnie and Wayneo were smashing Stuie and The Silverback, Stuie was seen throwing a club that actually went further than most of the Silverbacks drives, and the Silverback only managed 7 points on the front 9 which proved Stuies point that he is dog shite now. Vinnie and Wayneo looking like 7&6 winners so took the foot off the gas to come home an easy 2&1 winner and to quote Vinnie he who laughs last….

Final Scores Stuie 33, Vinnie 27, Wayeno 26, The Silverback 24.

The 2^nd group was Bazza, Sie, The Caveman and little legs. It was going to script with Bazza parring the first, Sie with an unlucky Bogey, Nicky with a Double bogey and of course the Caveman with a blob. The caveman was smashing his clubs on the first after dumping his 2^nd shot into the ditch by the green, and threw his putter on the first and bemoaned his bad luck, Nicky, Bazza, and Sie were bemused how he confuses bad luck with shite golf. On the 2^nd the caveman had a duck hook left and duffed his 2^nd about 10 yards then put his 3^rd into a green side bunker and again had a massive tantrum a lot of club smashing and swearing and again threating to walk off. Sie his usual self smashes a massive drive down the middle wedge on a two put par. Bazza a bogey and The Caveman manages a point. By now he was spitting feathers and was in full melt down mode and this was only the 2^nd hole. Nicky had to do some counselling and promised the caveman that the par 3 3^rd would be his hole. By this time Sie, Bazza, and Nicky were crossing their fingers that the caveman would hit a decent golf shot which he did and then sunk a 15 footer for birdie to the relief of the other 3 golfers.  Superb the caveman could calm down now and on to the 4^th stroke index one. The caveman carves his drive straight into the trees and now he is 3 off the tee. He finds his first drive deep on the amazon forest and hacks it out into a bush on the other side of the fairway where he takes a penalty drop and again another blobbed hole the calm only lasted one hole. So onto the 5^th and the caveman hits a drive with a big slice and low and behold straight into the water, Bazza follows him a slice into the water. Bazza walking down the fairway with a dejected caveman, bemoaning his bad luck cursing the shite course. Takes his drop uses his rescue club has 150 to carry the water and dumps it straight into the water with a Barnes Wallis special. So now takes another drop so is playing his fifth shot surely he must clear the water now I mean no one can dump 3 balls into the same water, not since the last time the caveman dumped 3 balls into the water at the 3^rd hole at Nizels. He takes his back swing nice and slow and with a fast  down swing to get the extra distant hits the ball and………… nope dumps it straight into the water another Barnes Wallis. Bazza calmly takes his 5 iron and clears the water by 30 yards. The caveman now at a critical point in full melt down mode complaining why he is out playing golf on Sunday afternoons ruining his Sunday’s when he could be at home tucking into a nice roast dinner or in his case road kill and what c**t books such a shite course in such shit condition!! and why can’t we play Coulsdon which is a luvvly course in even better condition than Augusta. Bazza calmly explains that Coulsdon is a pitch and putt and us better golfers want a good test of golf as Simon has been demonstrating by smashing his drives 300+ yards. So the front 9 continues with Sie playing some awesome golf, Bazza not too clever with 3 blobs on the spin and Nicky didn’t have his London Club form and was spraying his drives all over the place. So onto the next hole a par 3 156 yards surely the caveman plays this one ok especially after his birdie on the other par 3. Sie hits an 8 iron long but on the green, Nicky hooks his ball into the woods, Bazza takes a 7 iron doesn’t go flag hunting and is right on the green pin high. The Caveman duff hooks his shot hits a tree but he finds it. Takes his 2^nd shot only to duff it 10 yards, and then thins his 3^rd over the green only to register another blob, Nicky blobs, Sie and Bazza a par.  So we get to the 9^th where this could be make or break for the caveman as there is a 180 yard carry to get on the fairway the caveman steps up loads his drive in the back swing takes an almighty swipe and doesn’t get 10 foot off the ground and comes up short straight into the wood. Well if you thought he was in full meltdown before now he was crestfallen. Bazza, Sie, and Nicky checking for tress so that he can’t hang himself “that’s it I’m not playing this shit course again I’m off” by now Bazza, Sie, and Nicky gave up trying to persuade him to stay as they knew the back 9 was even harder so the Caveman head bowed a furlong figure slumped off to his car and it was off home yet another walk off after 9. What’s he complaining about he had 8 points on the front 9 and 4 off those was on one hole so he was on for at least 15 or 20 points which is about his average this year.

So the back 9 was a more quiet affair where everyone managed to score well probably a bit easier without the distractions of a homicidal maniac. Sie carried on his good form after 19 points on the front to get 18 points on the back.  

Final Scores Sie 37, Nicky, 33, Bazza 27.     

Winner Simon 37, 2^nd Stuie 33, and 3^rd Nicky 33

Just another Sunday afternoon in the life of the WL society 

Westerham 2nd July 2017

7 of us turned up to a lovely day at Westerham making it even better that The silverback and his boyfriend decided not to play so very easy to work out the groups.

A bit of confusion with the payments, tee times, and vouchers that Stevie L had and they weren’t capable of working out who had paid what, not too impressed with their ability to organise the golf and I’m sure that Stevie lost most of his vouchers as I had paid £25 and I know that Vinnie, and Johnny C paid £25 each also. Think I will give Westerham a wide birth at the moment as I am not keen on having to pay a deposit each time.

1^st group out was Wayneo, Chick, and Johnny C.

All 3 started off well hitting great drives down the first. after that things started to take a turn for the worst. Wayneo continued to play well as did chick but johnny C couldn't get his driver working.Chick was steady and wayneo continued to play well. All was looking good for Wayneo with 30 points after 15 holes and then came the 16th drama.

An excellent drive long and straight on the easy par 5 followed by an equally long but slightly drawing rescue for the second taking a wild bounce into the woods.

A simple sand wedge to get the ball up and over a log and pathway was all that was needed. However th golfing gods did not agree. First strike - perfect but hit the edge of the path and bounced back. A drop shot off the path and a second attempt once again cleanly struck only to hit the same edging and drop back again.

Wayneo now has a broken sand wedge and the right hump ending the round with just 31 points. Final scores in this group were Wayneo 31 Chick 28 and Johnny c a lowly 21

2^nd Group was Stuie, Stevie L, Vinnie and Bazza.

Vinnie and Bazza the buggy boys took on Stuie and Stevie L in match play. Stuie and Stevie were very confident at the start and playing for a tenner a man wanted to up it for £50. Their confidence was well foundered after 4 holes as they were 3 up and were grinning and laughing and bragging about how it will all be over by the 9^th. Coming up to the 5^th hole Vinnie had had 3 blobs on the spin and poor old Bazza was having to play on his own. Vinnie then hooked his ball deep into the woods and it took all our effort to stop him smashing his 3 wood so another blob. Stevie L also hooked his ball way into the woods. Stevie did manage to get his ball out of the woods only to put it back it there again further up the whole, so he decided to call it a day on that hole so it was down to Stuie and Bazza. Bazza having to hole a putt from the edge of the green for par to stop going 4 behind, which he held a massive momentum shift.  On the stoke index 2 Bazza parred it to go to 2 down and Vinnie actually started to hit some golf shots then. Vinnie then halved the 8^th and won the 9^th thus meaning that the great comeback had began, and Vinnie and Bazza were only 1 down on the turn. Vinnie then started to play flawless golf and didn’t really need Bazza. Coming to the par 3 13^th Bazza hit a great tee shot and had a certain par to go level, but Stuie held a 30 foot downhiller for par so hole halved. Then on the stroke index 1 Bazza had a 5 foot putt for birdie but had 2 putts for par to go level so took them and went level. At this point Vinnie and Bazza were odds on to win the match only for Stuie to win the next hole poor old Vinnie and Bazza one down again. Vinnie then on the next hole had 2 putts to win the hole only to 3 putt but good enough for a half. So with 2 holes to go Vinnie and Bazza were 1 down with 2 to play. Vinnie hit a career best on the 17^th with fade only to find out that his ball had gone too long. Luckily Bazza and Stuie were hacking their way down the hole like 28 handicappers so it was down to Vinnie and Stevie. Vinnie played another great shot out sideways from the woods back in play. Stevie L was having his own problems on this hole but both Vinnie and Stevie on the green for 3. Vinnie wins the hole so it’s all square going down the last.  Vinnie hits a massive 3 wood, Bazza hits a great drive Stuie hooks one right and Stevie L leaves his best to last hitting a massive drive down the middle. Stuie then goes low and straight in the greenside bunker. Bazza hits a wedge pin high about 25 foot. Vinnie plays a soft one and just gets over the water. Stevie L goes long over the back of the green. So it’s down to who has the bottle, Vinnie lines up his chip and stiffs it to about 1 foot. Stuie out of the bunker and back off the green. Stuie comes up but misses the par putt. Stevie L and Stuie are eyeing up Stevie’s putt for about 10 mins. Stevie hits it only to go 8 foot short and right. Bazza putts up to 3 foot. Stevie L misses his par putt. So as Vinnie did most of the work on the back 9 it was down to him to hit the winning putt which he did and it was match over winners Vinnie and Bazza a just deserved win proving the point never give up in match play. He who laughs last laughs longest.  

Final scores Stuie 34, Vinnie 30, Stevie L 28 and Bazza 27. 

Overall result was Stuie first 34, Wayneo second with 31 and Vinnie third with 30.

WL US Open at The London Club 25th June 2017

We had our 2^nd Major of the year hosted at The London club. After the disappointment of the course for our first Major at The Belfry we were all hoping that The London Club would be in good condition and it didn’t disappoint. The course was excellent the tee boxes were flat and superb, the fairways in mint condition and what can we say about the greens, they were to die for.  

We all arrived nice and early to make use of the range and the practise green, when I say we all; that was everyone except Nicky whom sticking to form turned up with 2 minutes to spare for the tee off. Luckily he did turn up as we all thought that he might actually turn up to Stringfellows as that is a ‘Club in London’.  

We had 3 groups

First group was Wayneo, Johnny C, and The Essery

Second group was Stuie, The Silverback, Stevie L and Vinnie.

Third Group was Bazza, Chick, Sie, and Nicky

Group 1

The Essery after his disappointment with his last practise round at Coulsdon actually played well 32 points and even had a birdie on the nearest to pin hole the 8^th and was lying nearest to pin until Chick got inside him with the last shot of the day. Johnny C the dark horse as he has played the course 100 times before played well and got 37 points, Wayneo not a good day for him as he limped home with 29 points.  

Group 2

The Silverback and Stevie L took on Stuie and Vinnie in a match. After seeing Vinnie’s first tee shot and 2^nd tee shot at the first hole it was obvious that Stuie would be playing on his own. Vinnie was seen cheating by Bazza on the 14^th hole as he found his ball in the bushes and through it out sideways and then duffed his next shot was John Parrymore following that group? as it was really a group of cheats as Stuie and especially The Silverback have form for cheating Stevie L the only honest one in that group.

The match was won be Stevie L and The Silverback 3&2.

Stevie L 38, The Silverback 36, Stuie 35, and Vinnie 30.

Group 3

No matches in this 4 ball bringing up the rear. Nicky took the Tiger line on the first hole and we spent 10 mins looking for his ball and eventually found it. Sie almost hit the green in 2 whilst Chick and Bazza straight down the middle as usual. When Nicky did eventually hit his 2^nd shot he laid up straight in the drink. He hit a great 4^th shot and putted for a par and just missed so bogeyed the hole, not a bad start for the 25 handicapper. Nicky then went on to smash 250 yard drives on each hole making him the most dubious 25 handicapper since the last dubious 18 handicapper that we have ever seen and who was that oh his son Bobby. After 9 holes Sie was scratching his head with Nicky’s handicap but in all fairness Nicky only had 16 points on the front 9. Bazza played poorly on the front 9 only 13 points, Sie with 16 and steady Chick with 18.  

Final scores Nicky 37, Chick 36, Bazza 32, and Sie 27.  

Summary

The winner of the 2^nd Major was Stevie L with 38 points

2^nd place was Nicky with 37 points (Countback)

3^rd spot was Johnny C on 37 points

Longest Drive – The Silverback

Nearest to Pin – Chick

Nizels – 11th June 2017

8 of us turned up to Nizels on a sunny but windy day conditions were very tough.

1^st group out were Wayne, Vinnie, Dan and Harry.

Harry ripped up the front 9 shooting a level par, and that was with a hissy fit on the 7^th when he duffed a chip and threw his club, if he hangs about with Vinnie any longer then he will start snapping his clubs rather than just throwing them. Dan played some good steady golf whilst Wayneo and Vinnie just struggled in the wind. Harry had a bit of a meltdown on the back 9 with 5 three putts to shot a 6 over on the back given him 6 over in total.

2^nd group out were Bazza, Sie, Chick, and Jules.

Jules and Chick taking on Bazza and Sie in match play. The match was very close with Bazza and Sie dove tailing superbly, with Chick playing some awesome golf whilst his partner was just terrible. Not sure what happened to Jules’s golf game but poor Chick was on his own which against a formidable partnership of Bazza and Sie was hard, but Chick managed to keep it going until down to the last hole where Sie smashed a driver down the last and hit a sand wedge to 10 foot and held his nerve to sink a 4 footer for the win.  Bazza playing some impressive golf on the back 9 shooting a 2 over just showing Harry that what matters is the back 9 not the front hence Bazza taking it with 21 points on the Back and Chick with 20 points on the back.

Winner Bazza 35, 2^nd Chick 35, 3^rd Harry 35.  

Woldingham 4th June 2017

6 of us turned up today

1^st group Johnny C, Chick, and Stevie L

2nd Group Bazza, Harry, and Vinnie

Some shocking first drives from Chick and Stevie L but Johnny C with his new M2 driver melted one down the middle and went on to rip up the front 9 with 22 points. Chick his usual steady eddie and Stevie L not enjoying a good front 9 a bit wayward and didn’t score too well. So the back 9 came and Johnny Collapsing was on for a new course record and he !!!!!!!!!!  well collapsed again with a mere 12 points on the back 9.  Johnny C 34, Chick 32 and Stevie L 26.

Then came the big hitters Harry, Vinnie, and not so long Bazza. Harry was on fire 2 under after 7 holes but then threw in a few bogies. Vinnie playing some good  golf he even managed a bogey on the 9^th after driving into a tree and demolishing the branches.  Final scores Vinnie 34, Bazza 33, Harry 33.

So the winner was Vinnie 34, 2^nd Mr Collapsing 34, and 3^rd Bazza 33.

Vinnie now new leader on the leader board, and new all time leader

We meet a few guys after who wanted a nearest to pin on the 15th for a fiver Harry hit a massive duff, Johnny C and Bazza was short, Vinnie went left and Stevie L took a 4 iron all over the pin and took the money.

Parkwood 28th May 2017

A very good turn out with 12 WL members and Phil making another appearance.

We were all concerned about The Essery’s golf and more to the point of his inability to follow rules and have a gimmie or 18 so we decided to put him out with Vince (Parrymore) Pain.

First group out Vinne, Phil, Stuie, The Essery.

Second group out Wayneo, Stevie L, Chick, and Jules

Third group out Bazza, The Silverback, Bob and Dan.  

Apparently there was some controversy between Parrymore and The Essery over the Out of Bounds ruling this was known by all 3 groups as we could all hear the two arguing from anywhere on the course.

The Essery who has had the worse form possible over the past !!!!!!!! 3 years or so decided to have some lessons from the Silverback, but that didn’t improve him as he was still coming in with 14 points.  So he then went to Mark at Coulsdon and low and behold birdied the first hole and then continued to have a decent round. Not sure if the Essery has ditched the Silverback yet as it appears that Mark is the Man but The Silverback wants to take the credit but will not accept that he made The Essery worse over the last couple of months.  The Silverback is getting so bad nowadays his only hope is to make sure that no one else plays well hence the lessons.

The Silverback was up to his usual tricks in moaning at Bobby before the round about his dodgy handicap of 17 and then MLF when Bobby smashed a 300 yard drive down the first. We think this got into Booby’s head as he then proceeded to blob the first 4 holes and have a terrible round.

In the clubhouse afterwards The Essery was like a new man laughing and joking and was like a dog with two dicks a total contrast to how he has been after starting the lessons with The Silverback.  The saving grace was that Stuie done the Essery else we wouldn’t have heard the last of it. He has now gone from pulling out of Portugal, not going to The London club for the second major to now definitely going to Portugal and red hot favourite for The London Club. A plea to The Essery can you stop having lessons from Mark and go back to the Silverback even though it’s worse for you it gave the rest of us such good entertainment.

Winner Stuie 35, Second The Essery 35 and Third Wayneo 31

Wayneo and Vinnie have now completed 10 rounds so we are starting to get a flavour of who is up for winning this year. The two previous winners Bazza and Stevie L nowhere to be seen at the moment. 

Surrey Downs 21st May 2017

8 off us turned up at Surrey Downs and we welcomed back the Essery from his golf exile; rumours had it that he had been having some secret lessons and was driving the ball 300 yards carry into a strong headwind.

The first group out was Stuie, Vinnie, Johnny C and Boom Boom Essery.

Some good scores in this group by Stuie 36 , and Johnny C 33 , with Vinnie 29 and then Boom Boom coming in with an impressive 26 points which was a massive improvement on his previous best score of 18 points. Apparently the Essery was very happy with his driving saying that he had hit loads of good drives but his playing partners Stuie and Vinnie didn’t concur, and were not sure what drives he was talking about! Johnny C didn’t have the bottle to say anything so just agreed with the Essery on how good he had been driving the ball.   

The second group saw Bazza, Wayneo, The Silverback and Sie.

Bazza started out with a bad back, bad knee, and on the first hole pulled a hamstring after a shot out of the bunker he must be the only person in golf history to have pulled a hamstring, an injury normally associated to football. The Silverback started out with a girlie rescue hitting it about 140 yards straight into the first bunker. Wayneo and Sie just smashing their shots straight down the middle.

Sie was on impressive form smashing the ball absolutely miles whilst The Silverback was just hitting it like a big girl, Sie ended up with 23 points on the front 9 an impressive 1 over par. Sie didn’t fare as good on the back 9 with 16 points but still played some good golf with the best shot of the day an impressive 3 iron to the 225 yard par 3 16^th. The Silverback took a driver here and still came up 40 yards short. The Silverback had a bit of a meltdown on the front 9  7^th where he missed the green by miles with a pitching wedge and then duffed two chips to get on the green and subsequently drilled his wedge about 8 foot into the green the serial green smashaupara. Then on the par 3 14^th 178 yards Sie took a 7 iron pin high long left, Wayneo, and Bazza took a 5 iron pin high, the Silverback hit a rescue out of his boots and it just got on the green leaving him with a 70 foot putt, where he 3 putted. Final scores Sie 39, Wayneo 33, The Girlie Silverback 32, and the Raspberry Bazza 29.

So the winner of the day was Sie on 39, Second Stuie on 36, and third Johnny C on 33.

The old Raspberry Bazza, so happy that the Essery has come back, so he wasn’t in last place again, as The Essery had this honour as he has had all year long. 

14th May Sweetwoods

Sweetwoods was the venue for this weeks competition. Due to Palace being inconsiderate and playing a crucial match at home numbers were down. (Well done to the Eagles !)

Wayneo, Si and Vinnie formed the first group, with Bazza, Newcs and Chick making up the second group.

All started well withe the first group, Si hitting a good drive to left of fairway followed by wayneo a few yards behind and Vinnie managing somehow to get through the trees on the right to find his ball.

on the green Wayneo messed up his chip and 3 putted to blob the hole, Si mis judged the speed of the green to hit 5 and Vinnie recovering from his visit in the trees finished with a 6. 

onto the next hole Si and wayneo played steady but problems started to appear in vinnies irons. After a few more holes it quickly became apparent that Vinnie neede to be watched closely as the irons were seriously misbehaving.

Finally on the 7th par 3 the pressure became to much and after hitting his tee shot over to right it required an up and down over a bunker to save the hole. First chip 1 yard second chip into the bunker 52 degree wedge in 2 bits. 2nd wedge shot into the bunker. Nike ball launched with the best iron shot of the day into the woods. Hole blobbed.

Finally after a fag or 2 Vinnie calmed down to continue the round with a respectable 17 points on the back nine.

Newcs started in his usual manor by putting his first ball into the right hand trees. One day Newcs may actually hit the fairway on this nemesis hole. Bazza also had issues completely losing the plot on the third after hitting his favourite tree and bouncing his ball across the round towards the second green.

The final scores for the day were newcs first with 35 on countback against wayneo and Si taking the 3rd spot.

Westerham 7th May 2017

Another good turn out with 10 people, including Nicky returning to the WL and Bobby signing up as the latest member.

The first group to go out were Wayneo, Chick, and Jules.

Jules was on fire on the front 9 scoring 21 points but did a bit of a Spurs by folding down the final stretch. But this was a decent group as they all scored well over 30 points, always good around a tricky course like Westerham.

The second group saw Vinnie, Stevie L and Will (Will having dashed down from Fulham to arrive just on time)

Apparently Will was suffering from rushing to the course so duffed his first tee shot and according to Vinnie and Stevie that was actually his best shot of the day.

The third group was Bazza and The Silverback taking on Nicky and Bobby in match play also.

Bazza pared the first and went 1 down and then it just got worse and worse. Nicky and Bobby smashing Bazza and the Silverback 6&5. Not sure where Bobby got his 18 handicap from, if The Essery is an 18 handicapper then Bobby should be off +5.

So the day was won by Bobby el bandito on 38 points, Vinnie, in second with 37, and Stevie L third on 36. As Bobby hadn’t signed up as a member before the round he can’t participate in the bonus points so the bonus points will be

Vinnie 5

Stevie L 3

Chick 1

From now onwards Bobby will count with the bonus points. Bobby has been cut from 18 to 17.4 so will be playing off of 17 next round but the Silverback wanted him cut to 8.

Nizels 1st May 2017

A good turn out today with 12 of us.

Group 1 was Bad Back Bazza with his dodgy knees sharing a Buggy with Vinnie; and Stuie and The Silverback. Stuie and the Silverback insisted on taken on Bazza and Vinnie in match play even though Bazza was a raspberry.

Group 2 was Wayneo, bad knees cant wait for the op Jules, Stevie and Sam

Group 3 was Sie, Chick, Cootsie and Ross.

Group 1 Match Play

This was won by the impressive Bazza and Vinnie. Vinnie won the first hole and then never looked backed. The match was toing and froing with Bazza and Vinnie never down at any point. Vinnie found every conceivable water on the course and Stuie and Newcs started to call him “Swampy”. Vinnie not happy with the two out and out wronguns, and said that he will put in an official complaint to the WL secretary (Unfortunately that’s Stuie so good luck there Vinnie).

The silverback doing his best to cheat on the par 5 15^th playing as many balls as he wanted and still managed to only get a 7 whereas Bazza lipped out for a birdie and halved the hole with Stuie. Stuie birdies the 16^th par 3 for it to go all square. Vinnie then put on the after burners and went par par finish to win the match 2 up.  Happy days!  

Final scores The Silverback 36, Bazza 33, Stuie 32, Vinnie 28.

Group 2

Poor old Jules limped off after 7 holes as his carrots and peas just gave up on him. Stevie and Sam tried there best to get rid of all there balls into the lakes whilst Wayneo put in a steady performance until the 17th a new nemesis hole any suggestions on how to play this hole greatly received.

Final scores Wayneo 37, Stevie L 27, Sam 21.

Group 3 Match Play

The experience of Sie and Chick took on the youth of Dan and Ross. Dan and Ross took an early lead and held that lead most the way round. But the experience of Sie and Chick came roaring back to take the match 2&1 experience prevailing once again. 

Final scores Chick 32, Sie 31, Cootsie 30, Ross 24. 

23rd April Woldingham

poor turnout today. Wayneo Vinnie, Essery Newcs and chick were the only ones to show up. The day started badly as newcs and essery moaned like f"£ck as it was 5 playing. Can't get my head round why its an issue. its a 3 ball and a 2 ball get over yourselves its not an issue!!!!

Essery and Newcs were obviously playing like dogshit as after just 5 holes they decided that the course was way to busy and that slow play was going to be an issue so talked themselves and chick into calling it a day. However the reality was Wayneo and Vinnie carried on completing the front nine in 1 1/2 hours and all done back at the clubhouse in 3 hours! how fricking fast do you need it to be.

Anyway Wayneo won with 37 points with Vinnie scoring 31 for second.

Chartham Park 17th April 2017

6 of us braved the Easter bank holiday Monday or more to the point only 6 of us were allowed to play.

1^st group out was Wayneo, Vinnie and Mr Grip it and R.I.P. it. Grip it and rip it was very keen and looking forward to play after golf lessons off of his mentor The Silverback. His coach saying that he was hitting 4 out of 5 shots very well pitching his drives about 220 so very encouraging signs for the Essery.

Final scores in this group were Vinnie an impressive 39 points, Wayneo a steady 31 points and Mr grip it and rip it ……… 18 points oh dear!!

2^nd Group out were the elite of golfers with Stuie, Bazza, and Si. A lot of good golf played in this group with some immense drives on some holes and that was just Bazza you should have seen what Simon was doing.

Final scores Bazza 42, Si 37, and Stuie 34.

So the winner was Bazza tearing up the course with 42 points, 2^nd Vinnie who was very happy with his round 39 points and 3^rd Simon on 37 points.

Mr grip it and rip it is looking for a new coach! Butch Harmon, Sean Foley do you have some spare time to coach a potential up and coming golfer.  

Parkwood

Eight people made the play on this unseasonally hot day at Parkwood. The essery, Silverback, Vinnie and new boy Michael made up the first fourball. With Wayno Bazza Stevey L and Chick making up the second group.

New boy Michael showed first game nerves and struggle to get going. He came in with a new course record of just 6 points. It can ony improve from here Michael! Essery had no such excuse and once again played pretty awful carding just 14 points. Still hopefully the oncoming lessons will amke the difference.

Vinnie and Newcs played steady golf however the shite greens took there toll and they carded 27 and 30 respectively.

Wayno would have been better suited to forestry rather than golf having managed to hit just about every tree on the front nine. The course finally gave up and allowed him to play coming in with a respectable 19 points on the back nine.

Bazza struggled with a few of centre drives and middle of the airway drives just rolling of into trouble. whereas Stevey L by passed all the trouble by belting his drives onto opposite fairways and coming in from different angles to make good scores.

Chick ( mister steady eddie) was steady as usual and finally one the day with 36 points. 

Final results were Chick 1st 36 points Stevel L 2nd with 31 points and Newcs 3rd after countback with 30.

Nizels

A good turn out at Nizels with 12 of us. The course was in superb condition and the greens were excellent especially for this time of year. Good greens were obviously going to play into Bazza’s hand. We threw the balls up and the groups were

Group 1

Bazza, Stuie, Vinnie, and Ross

Group 2

Dan, Andy, Will, and the silverback

Group 3

Wayneo, Chick,  Stevie L and Simon

The first group welcomed Ross for his first Windows match and he must have been on his best behaviour as after quite a few bad golf shots he showed good restraint by not throwing his clubs nor swearing. Stuie managed to join the Essery club by dumping 2 of his drives in Essery’s pond at the 3^rd Bazza putting like a retard after those lessons from Lee Westwood and a new putter 220 pounds well spent (NOT). Vinnie hit a tremendous drive at the par 5 15^th and Ross thought he would man up and try to out drive Vinnie took the Tiger line and put it straight in the ditch. He then spent so long in the ditch that we had to send in a search party. Only real men out drive Vinnie.

Group 2 had Dan out with his mates Andy and Will and the Silverback. Poor chaps having to play with the Silverback for their first Windows match. Dan on previous occasions proving that he can always do the Silverback coming down the stretch did it once again. The Silverback keeps making the same mistake by asking Dan on the 18^th what the scores are hoping this would rattle Dan but it always has the opposite effect Dan keeps paring the last whilst the silverback keeps bogeying so basically folding every time. Sky Bet are now slashing the odds on the silverback and putting Dan favourite to win the league this year especially as the leaders go out on the last round of the year and you can image the outcome if Dan and the Silverback end up in the last group.  The Silverback is starting to get the same reputation as Johnny Collapsing.

Group 3 had Wayneo and Chick take on Stevie L and Si in match play. The match was halved but Wayneo was not happy with the match play format as he blamed it for not scoring better as he was too focused on the match. Si proving once again his immense hitting power by on one par 5 hit a drive and a 9 iron awesome hitting but Si it’s not how it’s how many try getting a few more points.

Winner Dan 36

Second The Silverback 35

Third Vinnie 34

WL Masters Brabazon at The Belfry

Kingswood 30th Oct 2016

Stevie L took the title for the year beating Bazza by just 1 point and vinnie finishing in third.

Surrey Downs 23rd October 2016

Chartham Park 16th Oct 2016

The gap at the top has now closed to levels between Stevey L and Bazza with Bazza topping the league on places. Stevey L can't play next weekend so will be praying for arain hoping to take it on the last weekend.

Farleigh 9th Oct 2016

Chartham Park 25th Sept 2016

Parkwood 18th Sept 2016

The final result was Stevey L winning the day with Bazza second and Wayneo third.This has moved Stevey L back to the top of the league. There are not many games left and it looks like the fight at the top is between Stevey L, Bazza and Vinnie.

Vale Do Lobo Ocean Course 19th Sept 2016

This worked really well as the fight back started. Vinnie and wayneo were 3 down with 4 to play But with johnnys magic hands the last 4 holes were won by Vinnie and Wayneo ending up winning the match. So basically the Silverback has one of his many collapses and they don't call him Johnny Collapsing for nothing. 

Chartham Park 4th Sept 2016

Woldingham 28th August 2016

Park Wood 21st August 2016

Chartham Park 14th August 2016

Nizels 7th August 2016

Park Wood 31st July 2016

Nizels 24th July 2016

The day was won by Wayneo scoring a respectable 35 points beating Newcs on countback, Johnny C taking the final position with 34 points.

Nizels 17th July 2016

Chartham Park 10th July 2016

Wayneo, Bazza,  Johnny C and Toner went out. Wayneo started well again getting 18 points on the front along with Toner. However after a dismal back nine Toner took control and won the day with 39 points. Johnny C didnt have one of his best days but did manage to score and came home second with 34 points. Bazza taking the third spot with 32 and wayneo with a disappointing 30 finished in 4th.

Woldingham 3rd July 2016

Come on Essery your still favorite averaging 38 points per round. 

Farleigh 26th June 2016

Wayno finally showed what he is truly capable of by coming in with 42 points to take the honours followed by Bazza in 2nd with 32 and Vinnie 3rd with 30.

Parkwood 12th June 2016

Lesson learned this week. Do not trust the weathermen they talk crap!

Reigate Hill 5th June 2016

The day finished with Essery taking the honours with 40 points and has now moved up to odds on for winning the league with an average score of 37.6 ( Lesson to Essery - do not walk off after nine !) with Toner second just beating Chick on countback with 38 points.

Park Wood 29th May 2016

Pedham 22nd May 2016

Final results were Stevie 1st with 34 points Chic 2nd with 31 and Bazza 3rd on countback with 30.

Parkwood 15th May 2016

The scoring was not fantastic with Wayneo taking the honors with 27 points just beating bazza on countback. Stevey L took the third spot with 25.

Farleigh 8th May 2016

Farleigh saw the demise of yet another Giles brother as Bazza suffered a major meltdown and has decided to take a sabaticle. The rest of the field managed to survive unscathed. 

Chartham Park 1st May 2016

Traditions 17th April 2016

Sweetwoods 3rd April 2016

 As we are now using the official handicap scoring method Chick and stevey L both get cut 0.9 Toner gets cut 0.8 and Vinnie 0.3 . No change for Harry and Johnny C with every one else going up .1(except of course Newcs Essery and Stue who did not submit there cards so no scores recorded)

Traditions in Pyford 20th March 2016

Pedham Place 13th March 2016

The course was in good condition and the greens were running true but due to the winds and the freezing cold temps it proved hard to score. The day was one by Nasty with 38 points with Johnny coming 2nd on his home turf with 36 points and Bazza coming third with 34 points after countback with Vinnie.

Farleigh 28th February 2016

The final results were Essery 43 points Wayno 39 and Newcs taking 3rd on countback with 37 points

Westerham 21st Feburary 2016

Lets look forward to a dry spell so we can play on courses that don't resemble Bog's!!

Farleigh 7th February 2016

Farleigh 31st January 2016

Final results were Wayno 1st with 39 points followed by Elvis with 34 and Silverback taking the 3rd place after countback with Vinnie. 

Kingswood 24th Jan 2016